Beneath the Surface

Preschool Prep

2011-09-05T20:48:00.001+01:00

Our 4 1/2 year old little man is in preschool 5 mornings a week now. It is going great.

I am quite an idealist, and rarely do my ideals work out to fruition the way I think they should, but this one did. I wanted to keep Christian home until the year before kindergarten, and was able to. In looking at the prices of preschools a few years ago, we were discouraged. How on earth were we going to do this?

We ended up qualifying for Clovis Unified's free preschool, which is a huge blessing.

I'm not disappointed that his first preschool experience isn't a Christian one. I feel God has had His hand in all of this and knew exactly where He wanted Christian to start his schooling. I have had great peace about sending Christian to this preschool and it's all been confirmed now that it's started. I love love love that we live close enough (.9 miles to be exact!) that it's become our norm to walk to school every morning. This walking time has become treasured time with Christian (and Kate, she rides in the stroller). We started a collection in a jar of all the special things he finds on our walks; we pray for his teachers and he chooses one classmate to pray for. He asks every night before bed if we get to walk to school in the morning!

At the "meet & greet" a few days before school started, all the kids and their parents came on a Thursday morning to see the classroom and meet the teachers.

Oh, backing up. I had done some research on Christian's main teacher and learned she lives close to us, in our same layout actually. It just so happens that I pass directly by her house every morning while I'm on the street that I pray for Christian on (more on that later). Just so many God pieces fitting together.

I had no idea how emotional I'd be about this "meet and greet" and it all kind of hit when one of the teachers (there are 3) asked Christian to come take a picture for his cubby. He sat up on the table as asked and just looked so vulnerable and willing to follow instructions! There was one point where I thought, if anyone asks me how I'm doing right now, there is no doubt in my mind I'm going to burst into tears. Not sure I've ever felt equal parts excited for him and sad at the same time, but that pretty much sums it up

He was immediately drawn to the blocks and instruments

And then we went home and waited for Monday. And I tried not to think about it being his last few mornings at home with me. He kept asking when Monday would come! We did some school shopping and Grandma treated him to some new school clothes.

Yeah, I am getting way too wordy here but there's just nothing I want to cut out about this monumental time. I'll have to share about the actual first day in another post.

July-August Recap

2011-09-05T06:50:00.000+01:00

July

We were in a wedding! Like, almost our whole family. It was such an honor supporting the Walters. I remember when they first started dating and Kassy just knew he was the one. Kate made us so proud as a flower girl with her friends Victoria and Sophie.

The day after the wedding, Jason and I celebrated 7 years of marriage- we went on a low key date to AppleBees. The highlight of our anniversary this year was looking at each other across the alter as Eric and Kassy said their vows. Thankful and in love don't even begin to describe my feelings about Jason.

Got some bummer news that I have precancerous cells growing on my cervix. It was complicated by a mistake made by the office and calling me back for an emergency appointment due to my blood work. Jason took time off work, went with me to the appointment and I was braced for the worst. I had asked over the phone if it was cancer related and she wouldn't tell me- I thought for sure my tumor marker was way up or something. False alarm. Office mistake we learned, once we got there and my doctor was then concerned about how high my blood pressure was due to nerves!
Aaaaaand we're switching doctors lol. Still have the precancerous stuff to follow up on frequently, but have a much more organized office I'm dealing with now.

We started a community garden with our life group in hopes of sharing what grows with those in need

Swim lessons! We ended 4 weeks of swim lessons in July and I've been very happy with Christian's improvement. On the last day he willingly jumped off a huge diving board into the deep end. We loved Ms. Jordan

I started walking in the mornings- just 3 mornings a week. It has become a rich prayer time for our family!

At the end of July, Jason's temporary construction job came to a halt - just no more work for them, which put us in a really scary place. We started praying like crazy, again, for a job that would meet our need.

I can't even remember when it was now- but we enjoyed a day on the lake with the Silvas. This is a couple who just gives and gives and gives. Tons of laughs every time we're together, but also a couple we can go deep with. Jason and Frank meet up weekly and Jessi and I as well, to talk Bible and life. We are so blessed by them and their friendship. And not to mention our kid's friendships!

August

Jason got an excellent job, writing grants. What a huge, huge praise this is. It was all clearly orchestrated by the Lord. This is a job that we can see him making a career out of. The only way to express how excited we are about this would be to see the grins on our faces!

In turn, we are now back on the Dave Ramsey plan!

I joined a bunco group with my friend Kelly- what a sweet group of women. I'm really going to look forward to this each month!

We took a trip to Bakersfield for Dad's birthday

We took a trip to Bakersfield for Caris' birthday

Loved this- it was pretty awesome seeing Alif's family outside of the ICU waiting room for the first time in a while.

Had my first "hey our sons are friends, so let's do a play date," play date. We met up at the zoo with Joseph (who's in Christian's class at church) and his Mom and had a good time. These 2 are hilarious together.

I got to be a part of pulling off a surprise "sprinkle" for Jessi- it was a success! And it was beautiful, in Shaver Lake at her in law's gorgeous log cabin

Surprise was a success!

Made these for the first time and will definitely be doing them again!

And then, Christian started preschool! But that does require it's own special post. Until then, check out this sunset I saw last week from our house!

May- June Recap

2011-09-04T22:39:00.003+01:00

May

May was kind of like April. A bumpy road with some victories and set backs for Alif. One day, as the 4 kids were playing in the backyard I got a call from Alif's best friend Brian.
Brian: "Have you heard from Emily yet?"
Heart in my stomach: "Um. No."
Brian: "They just took Alif off sedation, asked his name and he said ALIF PAYNE!!!!!"
Me, heart through my chest: tears and wet my pants at the same time. I'm not kidding. Major, major victories this month.

Preschool registration! This was a big deal because since we're doing the preschool through our school district there are limited spots and it all depended on me getting an appointment to register, and then having every last bit of paperwork at the appointment to secure his spot.

Yosemite! Jason's parents treated us all to a week in Yosemite- lots of memories were made and I loved carrying on the traditions started when Jason was little

The cabin we stayed in

June

Kate is potty trained! This was a complete miracle from the Lord, and now I can see that potty training really does not have much to do with the parents, at all. She trained within a few days, and then within the next few days was doing naps and bedtime in panties too. I take NO credit for this.

Threw a bridal shower for my dear friend Kassy

Our dear friends Bill and Michelle (and couple in our life group) had their 2nd baby- a baby girl they named Rylee, on June 13!

We celebrated Christian's "4 1/2" birthday at Wild Water Adventures- this was a blast (except I'd had the stomach flu the night before, so totally wasn't myself at the party)

The day of Christian's party was also the day all of the Payne siblings were reunited. And they all returned home together, ready to greet their Daddy at HOME the next day!!

One last cousin picture before they go

And...Alif on his way HOME (from USC)!

Christian did his first Vacation Bible school with his sweet friend Victoria. These 2 are adorable together, to say the least. After watching Victoria volunteer to pray at the end of VBS (one child was chosen per day), he raised his hand and asked every day if he could pray. The very last day he got to pray into the microphone. Big moment for him!

February-April recap

2011-09-04T21:43:00.003+01:00

Since I don't see myself going back an entire 7 months and doing nice posts on all the significant things that have happened, I think I'll just give a quick recap so I can hurry up and enter in to the present!

February-
Our precious baby girl also turned TWO! Oh baby baby baby, we love you!

We host and facilitate a life group for young couples with young kids weekly, and we'd launched a new group just the month prior. Thankful for each of them- what a good fit we all make!

Made a trip to OC for Riley's 4th Birthday and had a blast at her Princess and Pirate party

March

Took our first step toward adoption and attended the "If you were Mine" adoption workshop. Although it was still very close to the miscarriage (4 weeks after), I am so glad I went (Jason had to stay home, our family was plagued with the flu that weekend). The knowledge I gained there would help make big decisions in the months to come.

Had lunch with Jason's ex who, oddly enough, lives in Fresno and attends our same church. No pictures of that. ; )

April

Went to hear Beth Moore with Mom. I love Beth Moore. She has had a special place in my heart ever since I did one of her studies in Scotland with the women on our missions team. She is just so very "American," so every week as we sat in Britany's living room, not only did we laugh, cry and remember why we were doing what we were doing, we also had a huge taste of home.

A week after Beth Moore I started attending Compulsive Eaters Anonymous. Extreme? Yes. But very, very needed if you know the extend to which I have rollercoastered all over tarnation with my eating and food. I was just so dang done with food ruling my life. I have lost 45 lbs since that 5th day in April. "Admitting" myself to a group like this has been life-changing!

Alif, my sister's husband, got sick. You can read the first parts of his story here. This would turn all of our lives completely upside down. When I wasn't in the ICU waiting room, I was either in Alif's room with him, sorting out childcare for the Payne kids or my own, catching up on Apple Toddler, making the drive to and from Bakersfield from Fresno, or caring for Caris and Canaan in our home. April and May 2011 for me were so significant I can't even begin to sum them up.

This was on our way out of the Memorial Hospital parking lot. The kids had just seen Alif and Emily one last time before we headed up to Fresno (I think? Now it's getting fuzzy)

Waiting room during Alif's first open-heart surgery. This is the one that even the doctors were skeptical over. Every time the waiting door opened we all strained to see who it was and let out a sigh when it was "no one." We all laughed and tried to pretend this wasn't' the most tense 4 hours ever. And we cried. We laid on the air mattress (which we would later belly laugh over) and cried. Helpless and waiting. I didn't even manage to get everyone who was in the waiting room in that picture. Oh, the sick feeling I get even looking at that waiting room.

Alif was there

2011-08-21T21:46:00.002+01:00

Thankfulness, as my Dad blew out his candles and Alif was at his side, laughing and joking as always. Just 3 1/2 months after Easter.

Could not even believe he was there.

The last time I'd been in Dad's backyard was Easter.

Easter 2011 will go down as one of the most significant days for me.

Arrived at the hospital around 8 or so I think- maybe 9:00? Jason went with Emily and the kids to church that day. It would be her first time back and we knew she'd be mobbed. Jason was sent with the job of giving a very stern, "Alif is making noted progress, thank you for asking," and Emily was all geared up to not break down emotionally, if that was even possible.

Anyway. Jason went with Emily to church, and the agreement that we made was that I'd be by Alif's side every minute she was there.

I came in with my Bible and planned to read the Easter story to (unconscious) Alif. Thought we'd play a few Easterish worship songs. I felt honored to be the one with him that morning. I think there was "Happy Easter!" written on Alif's white board. And maybe a chocolate bunny sitting next to some medical supplies. I can't even believe I don't remember the nurse's name that morning. It was one with a neuro background. At one point we all knew them by their first names- the one with the ponytail, the one that's really sweet, etc. Can't believe I don't remember her name!

I talked to Alif for a few minutes, and then the (terrible bedside manner) neurologist came in said, "take him off sedation. I want to see what we're dealing with."

"Um." I thought. "Wait, no. This is not what I'd planned. Emily needs to be here. And frankly I don't know if I should or can be here during this."

It was his first time off sedation. First time since we'd heard about his brain scan.

And so he came off sedation. His left hand moved. And then his head tossed. And I don't think my own heart has ever raced so fast. Waiting, as the dr said, to see "what we were dealing with."

Quite a morning- his Mom, sister, Dad...all trickled in and saw the first real signs of life in their son, brother after they'd been to their Easter service. He was put back on sedation- but we were all allowed to see a glimmer of an Easter miracle that morning.

And then it was time to go be with my kids, their kids for our Easter egg hunt.
.
And so on to my Dad's backyard I went, to face all those kids. All the kids whose Daddy that was in the hospital. The one we were begging a miracle over. And this Easter neither of their parents were there in my Dad's backyard, which made everything seem that much more real.

There was joy, laughter, Easter egg hunting. But a big fat knot in my stomach over just how "not right" this Easter was.

And, so to enter back into my Dad's backyard this day in early August, 3 1/2 months later in a completely different tone this time...to see Alif hug my kids, high five, walk right back into the normal "guy" spot in the backyard, is nothing short of one big fat miracle.

Such peace, thankfulness and complete gratitude seeing that Payne family together in Dad's backyard.

What I did and didn't get

2011-04-14T20:40:00.003+01:00

It has been 8 weeks since we lost baby #3, and I feel like I need to apologize for only blogging about this- but in the same breath, it is so healing to write about it.

8 weeks really isn't so long ago, although it feels like it was already months ago that it happened.

It's pretty amazing, how real it is- when you're pregnant. When I see a positive pregnancy test I already picture myself holding a baby in my arms.
And this baby was no different. So although I was only 10 weeks when we lost the baby, I actually lost a baby I'd dreamt about, prayed about (the kids too prayed for the baby on a regular basis), and pictured as a part of our family.

What I didn't get was another one of these

And I post a picture of Christian because we both just knew it was a boy.

And he has a name. Samuel. It's not a name we'd planned on using for baby #3, but a name I'd been thinking of since the miscarriage happened. When I brought it up to Jason, he reminded me of the story of Hannah in the Bible. How God had gifted her a son, and then at a very young age, she gave him right back to the Lord, willingly. I want that. To willingly give our Samuel back to the Lord.

It is painful. It is excruciating actually. But God is sovereign.

What I did get, is peace.

What I didn't get is another biological child to raise.
What I did get is an (renewed) overwhelming desire to foster/adopt a child. A real burden to provide love and a family for a child who otherwise would be lost in the foster system.

What I didn't get is to hold my baby
What I did get, is embraced by the Lord with kindness and compassion

What I didn't get is to smell that baby head, and stare in awe at how tiny those newborn fingernails really are.
What I did get is a renewed passion to pray for my own children, to go in when they're sleeping- stroke their little heads, hear them breathe in and out, and realize each breath truly does come from the Lord.

What I didn't get is to hear those tiny newborn cries- the kind that are so distinctly newborn
What I did get to hear is my kids laughing together, and "I love you Mommy"

What I didn't get to experience is staring at that baby with Jason- just marveling at the fact that that baby is 1/2 he and 1/2 I.
What I did get is a supportive, loving husband and Daddy to grieve right beside me

What our kids didn't get is a little brother. A little baby to ohhh and awe over. Oh how it saddens me to miss out on Kate "mothering" a tiny baby brother.
What I did get is to display for them what Mommy does during tragedy. Cries. Prays with them (I wish you could see Christian during his last prayer when he recently asked again why there was no baby. With his eyes clenched shut he asked for another baby, and that God would make my belly button better). Tells them the truth.

What I didn't get is to have that Mommy pride-to bring that tiny tiny baby to church for the first time- showing him off to everyone, just what a miracle he is.
What I did get is confidence in the Lord and His plan, and peace as I faced those who thought I was still pregnant, and asked how I was feeling.

What I didn't get is- obviously, a baby. Our son.
What I did get is true surrender, awe in the Lord, and complete thankfulness that I could turn my eyes to Him instead of the tragedy of it all.

The few weeks after

2011-04-09T21:18:00.002+01:00

Yeah, it was hard- mainly the first week after. Hugely because of the insane hormonal roller coaster, but also getting used to the idea that suddenly, I wasn't pregnant.

Two weeks later, I had my follow-up appointment. I didn't really expect this to be a big deal. "Let's just close this chapter," I thought. I went alone, which was fine.

I was surprisingly upbeat about the whole thing, and started to feel a weight I didn't expect when I walked into a room full of pregnant girls. It was a weird feeling. I wasn't jealous of them, just kind of felt different than everyone in the room. I was buried in my phone, waiting for my name to be called.

My name was called and I went back into the exam room, got a gown on and waited in silence for the dr to come in. I didn't have my phone to distract me at this point.

And then it started.

The heartbeat, next door. I could hear it through the wall. I could hear the excitement in the mother's voice, and myself remember that sweet excitement of hearing my baby's heartbeat.

It seemed to go on and on and at one point I snapped inside my head, "ok, you heard it already!"

But I prayed in that moment of vulnerability and again realized my continual need for Him. To hear someone else experience exactly what I'd come into the office just 3 weeks prior to experience, and didn't get to. The moment passed, and I felt ok. Relieved. "Ok (deep breath), that was...hard." But it's over.

The dr came in, did the exam, and went over the results with me. She looked at me as if to say, "what all do you want to know?"

"What all did they remove during the d&c?" I asked, hoping to have an answer on whether or not that's how the baby had to "go."

"The tests are showing that they only removed chorionic villi."

"Which is...?" I asked, totally confused.

"Let's see...how to explain this...you must have passed the baby before the d & c." she said

Now, I had no idea we'd go over these results today. I kind of just thought she'd "check" me and I'd be on my way. I had no idea I'd get to hear this. But I left that place ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

The thought had haunted me quite a bit of the d&c suction- yeah. Can't even think about that.

So to know "that" didn't have to happen- and that God granted me the ability to know that...I just left so, so happy.

I also got to genuinely thank the dr. for how she handled this whole thing. I told her I was very thankful it was her in our path for this whole thing- and was so glad I didn't break down into tears while doing so.

For some reason I'm not able to show the doctor's pictures in here, but if you want to see them, this is the one who first told us there was no heartbeat and is my actual doctor, and this is the nurse practitioner who was also very gracious and did the follow-up ultrasound.

And then...

2011-03-30T05:02:00.004+01:00

He protected me.

No, this is definitely not going to be a post that wraps things up all pretty, as if this whole thing was just one big positive experience.

But I would like to point out, and never forget, the ways that I literally felt His arms wrap around and protect me the next few weeks.

The day we didn't see a heartbeat, I knew there were friends crying with me. And honestly, that's what I needed. I just needed to know others were upset too.

I came home from the dr- spent the rest of the late morning with the kids- crying. At one point Christian said, "Mommy, you have a little bit of water on your eyes." I was a mess. I spent their nap time realizing what had happened- crying some more, and listening to Glory Baby. It was such a weird place to be. Knowing there was a baby in there, but not a living one. But still my baby. A baby I felt attached to. I wasn't ready for it to not be in there. I mean, just a few hours prior I learned that it wasn't living. Such a strange, strange place to be.

A friend I'd been texting with that day really blessed me with her approach that day- "I need to see you. Even if it's just for a quick hug." I agreed- and we met up at our church's play structure. We both had on our big bug sunglasses (I think she had hers on?)- which was great, because I cried a lot while we watched our kids play that day. I was fine, until I saw her. And I remembered what we'd talked about just the week prior. She encouraged me, "It's not that you're having faith that there will be a heartbeat. It's that you're having faith that He is sovereign." Think God put her in my life during this season for a reason? She'd brought a plethora of little gifts to the park that day, and dinner later on, even though I insisted she not. I look back on that day and wonder why I had a hard time accepting dinner that night. I found out my baby was dead that day, for goodness sakes! Thank you Lord for a friend that will push through that ridiculousness!

My Mom and sister. Oh boy. They were like the hands and feet of Jesus. Cleaning up blood and tissue, they must have been exhausted the next morning but they loved on me and our kids. Their first thought was to order Kate a new "baby" because they knew that was my #1 concern. Because they know me well. There is just nothing like people who know you well. They "got" that I was out of it, in shock, yes- maybe that I was smiling too much and pretending nothing ever happened- they got all that. And they were just with me. My Mom stayed for 3 nights and did countless loads of laundry, loved on our kids- even napped with Kate one day so she'd fall asleep. And was just sensitive to what I needed.

Jason, well- was going through a loss of his own. But he cared for me anyway. I learned later that, as he followed the ambulance he was worried that he was gonna lose me. That those ambulance lights were gonna turn on at any moment and start going faster to the hospital. He kept our family going at a normal pace- took our kids to the snow for the day with friends one of the days right after the surgery. He was the strong one in the hospital. He made several runs out the hallway to get a nurse- he has been a sounding board for me and has taken me seriously in my grief, as he has grief of his own.

We'd just started a life group a few weeks prior, and I was in a place of need right away with this miscarriage happening. People I'd met once or twice gathered around us and brought meals. New friends that didn't know us and went way out of their way anyway.

My Dad. This was so real to him, since he was in the middle of a huge tragedy, losing a Grandson that same week who was born at 24 weeks. Crying with him on the phone.

My in-laws who I know would have jumped in their cars at a moment's notice-and not just any flowers delivered from them, but my favorite flowers.

A friend who's been giving and giving and giving- put together the perfect gift. And went out of her way to deliver it. She's obviously been through this, she knew exactly what would cheer me up.

Brownies from our sweet sweet friends, delivered on our front porch. Brownies with coffee in them!

Friends who said something, even though it was awkward in a crowd at church. Thank you for saying something.

Emails and phone calls from friends who'd been through this before, numerous times.

A gift from the most unexpected of friends. God's grace poured out!

There is more. But this is getting long.

What happened?

2011-02-21T02:17:00.009Z

**Major warning. This is going to be a gruesome play by play to help me process and for anyone who really wants to know what happened. Please don't read if you're squeamish!**

We first learned that there was no heartbeat at our ultrasound on Thursday, Feb. 10. At this point I was 8weeks, 5 days along, and baby was measuring 8 weeks, 4 days.

The weekend of February 11-13 we hosted the Mills clan, threw a party Saturday and celebrated Kate's birthday. It was such a sweet party! We also gathered around at church on Sunday and prayed for a miracle. That God would breathe life into baby Mills #3. And that the next ultrasound we had, there would be a heartbeat.

I got the stomach flu, combined with aches and fever on Tuesday the 15th and the dr wanted to see me the next morning. Worst case scenario was that I had an infection that was connected with the miscarriage.

Went in to the dr on Wednesday the 16th and felt fine that day. No fever or vomiting. Just really mixed emotions. Hoping to see a heartbeat (an understatement) but knowing the reality. And actually not even knowing if they'd do an ultrasound since I was being seen for the vomiting, aches and fever. They had me wait in an exam room and I said to Jason "I think this must be the miscarriage room. There is no baby paraphernalia in here at all. And it's in the very back corner of the office."

We saw the nurse practitioner, went over our options with the miscarriage before she even took a look- which was good. She was so gracious. Let us see the screen- told us there was no heartbeat, and baby was measuring 8 weeks, 2 days. I would have been 9 weeks, 4 days at that point. We scheduled the d&c for Friday morning- signed the wavers, and left. But not before having her print out a picture of the baby. I regretted not taking one the last time.

I didn't cry. I called my Mom and very matter-of-factly told her that I scheduled the d&c. Got off the phone, drove home and prayed. On the drive home I started having major regrets about planning that d&c so soon. We hadn't even prayed or talked over it at all. And Jason had expressed concern in the exam room about not wanting to do the d&c. I got home, called the office and cancelled it. I wanted to miscarry at home- or at least let my body start the process on it's own.

Wednesday night the Silvas hosted life group. Thank you Silvas! I didn't want to pass on whatever stomach bug I'd had the day before.
Wednesday afternoon I either held having to go to the bathroom or took one of the kids with me every time I went. I was so scared about how I'd handle the first blood, cramping- no idea how big the baby would be when it came out. What if it just "fell" out, etc? The first blood came at about 4pm and I had Kate in the bathroom with me. Didn't feel as distressing as I'd thought. Slept through the night just fine, very light blood into Thursday morning. Thursday during the kids' naps I started having some cramping. "Ok, good." I thought. "Let's just get this over with." I didn't want to take any pain meds because I wanted to be able to gauge how much pain there actually was.
4:00- "ok. These are actually contractions. Like, sharp ones. Ow."
5:30- put Kate to bed. What a relief. Handling her through the contractions was really hard.
6:00- got Christian set up on our bed with a game on my phone and me set up with some Bible reading. Was breathing through the contractions and really looking forward to when Jason would get home. Took 600mg motrin.
7:00- got a card, a printed out blog on how to deal with miscarriage and a gift card for dinner from a friend in the mail. Jason handed it to me on his way in from work and I cried. Like really had a good cry. I hadn't cried in 4-5 days and needed a good cry. I couldn't believe the thoughtfulness of this good friend."
7:10- Jason knew I wanted to be alone. He turned on some worship music and took Christian in the living room.
7:30- passed what I thought was the baby. It didn't hurt, and I was relieved. Dug it out of the toilet with a slotted spoon and saved it in a styrofoam cup. The dr wanted us to save what we could and frankly I was kind of curious. Jason got an ice chest and we kept it in there.
8:00- passed a ton more tissue. Jason put Christian to bed. I came out and told him the contractions were getting...bad. And there was a lot of blood.
8:30- a lot more blood. Every time I'd get up or move there was another huge gush. I put towels on our bed for fear of messing anything up.
9:00- passed more tissue and more blood. Decided to just sit on the toilet there was so much. There was no way a pad would hold this much. Sat on the toilet for a long time, gushes coming and going. Started feeling light-headed and concerned. Called Jason and started getting frantic. Got in the shower so I could wash off and see how much blood was actually coming.
9:30- In the shower- blood gushing, like, not slowly. A lot. Too much. Feeling light-headed and not sure I trusted my judgement or that I would be able to do this at home. Had a flashback to what the mid-wife told me about how much blood I lost during my labor with Christian: "If you would have done this at home, you would have bled out."
"Jason, I think we need to call 911. I am losing so much blood. Call the Silvas. Call 911. Call someone."
I started ordering him around to get me panties, etc-at that point I couldn't get out of the shower because I knew I'd bleed all over our light gray carpet in our bathroom, but I just simply wasn't going to have the paramedics find me naked in the shower. Noooooo no way.
I got dressed, and went outside to wait. My main concern was blood all over everything in the house. I'd just gotten out of the shower, put a pad on, and by the time I made my way to the front door had already bled through all that again. I sat on the bumper of our van in the garage and within a minute or 2 I could hear the sirens from the ambulance and got nervous.
"should we really have called? Am I blowing this out of proportion?" I also texted my Mom at this point.
At the same time Frank showed up to watch our kids, who's a firefighter. I knew he'd be able to discern any huge red flags on how I was looking, etc. He agreed I should go with the paramedics and I did.
No sirens- it was a slow trip. They knew I wasn't in distress, but also that I was losing a great deal of blood. So it was good to be safe incase anything went bad on the way to the hospital. Jason followed us in the van.
Right away he put on iv in- when I saw him doing so I complained- it's one of my least favorite things about having a baby. But he did amazing. Barely even felt it and thank goodness it was in my elbow instead of my hand. So much less painful.
It all started to feel real when I heard him calling the hospital to let them know of my arrival- telling them around the 9 week miscarriage- extreme blood loss, "tachycardia."

My main thought on the way to the hospital- "I had nooooo idea a miscarriage would be this big of a deal."

Showed up at the hospital and realized as they wheeled my down the hallway that I had blood all over my feet and had a little plastic baggy with what I thought was our baby in my lap.

The paramedics were annoyed with the hospital staff. They didn't have a place for me in the ER (it was a rainy, late night) and complained about everywhere I was wheeled. "um, can you move her? She's right in front of the door, etc." Nurses were having to scootch me over every time they needed to get by. Paramedics found some towels and water and spent some time cleaning my feet off. Jason wasn't there yet.

They got me into a shared room and I met the nurse who'd be taking care of me. Did not like her. Her pina colada lotion was way too strong, and my list of annoyances at her that night range from comments like, "Do you have a pad on? You know that soaks up some of the blood." "Miscarriage is very common. I've had one." "You call ambulance? Woooow." On to the disgusted, sour look on her face as she helped collect tissue during my pelvic exam. Was so glad to be out of her care. Soooo glad. Oh, also whatever painful procedure is done to extract urine without me actually peeing- no warning that that would hurt or be uncomfortable.

At this point Jason was there, I'd texted a few times with my Mom and Emily and knew they were on their way. They'd dropped everything and come to be with the kids. Later I'd learn that they, upon arrival at 1am cleaned out the blood and tissue in our bathroom and shower. And all the blood I'd dripped all over our light gray bedroom carpet. Meanwhile, Frank was graciously offering to stay with the kids overnight and was there until 1am. I texted with Jessi too, and Jason talked to his Mom and prayed with his Dad over the phone.

I was in that shared room for about 2 hours waiting for the OB who was caring for other miscarriage patients. I used the bathroom a few more times- passed about 10 times as much tissue as I did at home. At one point about as much as a grapefruit. I could not believe how much was in there. I destroyed the entire bathroom and pathway to the bathroom with blood, and wanted to save whatever tissue I did pass, so some poor nurse had that job to do (fishing out again what I thought was baby in the toilet).

A nurse came and took 5 small vials of blood, and after more blood and more tissue passed, I all of a sudden felt like I was going to pass out. Like, clammy, couldn't hear- everything started looking marbly and weird. I got frantic and demanded attention. Jason ran out into the hallway to find someone. They immediately gave me a bag of fluids and I felt better. Blood pressure was low. OB came in and went through all the tissue I'd passed and confirmed we still didn't have baby or placenta and wanted to do a full pelvic to see where my cervix was at.

1am- They moved me into a private room and about an hour later- I had that same "I'm gonna pass out" feeling, panicked- got angry and ticked at our nurse, as if it was her fault. A different nurse brought more fluids and I felt immediately better. I complained about pain and she'd given me something I apparantly didn't react well to.

1:15am- OB did full pelvic. Very uncomfortable. I was still contracting and he used that duck thing to open everything up, and the forcepts to pull as much tissue out as he could. I was squeezing Jason's hand and again- could not even believe how much worse this night was getting. The dr was silent and kept asking for more gauze. "I can't even see your cervix. I'm sorry. I know this is uncomfortable. I need to just see...let me reposition (OWWWW)- yeah. Can't even see your cervix. There is so much blood pooling. Losing this much blood is not normal. I think you're going to need a d&c." He later explained the placenta was what was causing so much bleeding- and they really did need to get that out so all the bleeding would stop. He called my dr and returned, confirming that she agreed and they'd get me into surgery right away."

1:45am- I kind of lost it, honestly. I was sooooo mad. I told Jason. "We're not even getting a BABY out of this!!!!" I just couldn't believe it. This was even more traumatic than my labor with Christian. So painful. So scary. And ending in tragedy. I mean, ahhhhhhh!!!!" And I was in pain. Contracting. And looked down at literally another pool of blood in my lap after that exam. Like, a puddle.

2am- waiting for surgery. Really started praying. I was feeling a ton of anxiety about going under, having the surgery, all the blood loss, just the whole night. Soon after, a really nice woman with a white coat on that said "hospital supervisor" came in and assured me they would get me in asap. They were getting together their on-call night surgery crew, apparantly.

2:30am- "Raquel!" I heard someone call (my nurse). "We're ready for her!" 2 short young guys came and got me and wheeled me up to the next floor. One of them was super nervous- his first day on the job. Looked at the blood on my feet (more, from after the paramedics wiped it off prior) and looked away. He was uncomfortable.

3am- met a very nice anasthesiologist- explained what they would do. Met the dr. Met the nurse. They were all great. The dr was so tired though and could tell he didn't want to be there. The nurse was sooooo sweet. Probably 25? 30? She was on top of things and very accomodating.

4am- woke up in a very happy place. Very relieved.

5:18am- texted Mom and Emily to let them know we were on our way. Went home in the hospital gown- the amazing, amazing recovery nurse (boy, did I LOVE her) gave me the hospital blanket too insisting it was just too cold to go home without it. "You can return it if you're ever in the hood again." she insisted.

5:30- crawled into bed with Christian. He woke up and asked about my hospital bracelet. "I'll tell you about it in the morning buddy. Night night, love you."

5:35am- Mom and Emily are awake and out of our bedroom, insisting we get in our own bed and that they'll watch the kids when they get up. Cannot even believe them. They'd slept what, a max of 4 hours??

5:35-9:30am. Jason and I had sweet sleep. Woke up to Mom and Emily- Emily had taken the kids on a walk- Jason took the kids to the store (sweet sweet Jason) and I got to process through the whole thing with them. So tired. So groggy. So fresh.

Where?

2011-02-17T23:10:00.002Z

"Where's your baby?" We often ask Kate before her nap and bedtimes. She sleeps with this special baby doll, but also carries her around all day. The baby has a rattle inside so I can hear Kate coming and going- I can hear if she's running or walking, all based on that little rattle.

Kate and that little baby are attached.

And today, of all days- the day I am losing my baby, she lost hers.

I'm sure the baby is around here somewhere- but I'm not sure we've ever gone a nap or bedtime without baby.

And so when nap time came, she cried at her bedroom door for her baby.

The baby has these tiny ribbon curls that Kate strokes as she's falling asleep. She just didn't know what to do without that baby.

And I searched. Everywhere. Frantically asked Christian if she could sleep with one of his monkeys instead (she didn't want any monkeys). Sat down, listened to her cry. Comforted her, changed her diaper, looked for baby. Put her back down without baby. This whole routine went on for a good while. Each time me searching in more bizarre places. With the tupperware. WIth the dvds, under our bed.

I even mentally pictured us going out to get her a new one after nap.

"The Lord longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show compassion." Isaiah 30:18

Thankful today that I serve a God of compassion, who I know is heartbroken with me over losing my baby.

That day.

2011-02-16T21:45:00.005Z

I want to record this now because it's already starting to get a little hazy in my mind, how it all went down. And as awful as it was, it's still a big part of our story.

This pregnancy has been different. Like, a little too good to be true. A little nausea, but not much. I took prenatal and b complex vitamins hoping to subside some of the nausea (I was on zofran with my last pregnancy), and of course just to be wise about things. It's like my Mother's intuition knew to be doing everything possible this time to ensure a healthy pregnancy.

When I scheduled the first ultrasound (my dr likes to do the first one between 8-10 weeks) I was aware that it was directly before Kate's birthday party and had some reservation, but thought, "Nah. God knows all this. He would never allow that (meaning, He wouldn't allow us to see no heartbeat just days before having family come to celebrate Kate's birthday).

It was a Thursday morning and all of the women who work there (it's a women's only group) were friendly as always. We joked about how great this pregnancy has been, and how now I can see how women always say they just love being pregnant. They told me to count it a blessing and enjoy the pregnancy! We were escorted to the ultrasound room and the dr came in.

She got things going with the ultrasound. Jason and I couldn't see the screen (thank the Lord Jason was there), and the more seconds went by the more concerned I was by the look on the doctor's face. She didn't say anything for a long 30 seconds.

"Um. You guys. I'm just...not seeing a heartbeat."

She searched, and looked, and pointed the screen to us so we could see. And at this point I had tears streaming down my face.

I mean I knew this had been a different pregnancy. I knew it. I should have known this would happen! I kind of started beating myself up inside for not preparing better for this moment.

She left the room and I sobbed on Jason's shoulder for a minute- got dressed, she came back in and explained my options- the d&c which she didn't recommend right away ("I'd rather not scrape your uterus unless I have to- especially since you've already had a c-section" she said), motrin for the pain. She said to expect bleeding and cramping. She asked if I wanted to do the blood work, just so I could see the hormone levels going down, and I declined.

We left, the nurse outside the door gave me the blood work papers I needed- and telling her I didn't need them had me back in tears again. Seeing all the pregnant women in the lobby- excitedly awaiting their ultrasounds, also made me sad. It actually made me sad that they had to see me leaving that ultrasound room in tears. Because I know this is every woman's worst fear when they're pregnant.

I had to leave the lobby- Jason scheduled the follow-up appointment, and we headed home. Boy, it was a long day. I cried right when I saw our kids. I called my Mom, Emily, Mom Mills, Mindy, my Dad, Jessi, Barbie....I know there are others I called. It was great being on the phone that afternoon. It got me out of my own head for sure. It was about noon at this point- Jason needed to leave for work, I needed to put the kids down, and I had a good time of crying, napping, praying, and letting it all sink in.

It is then that a friend texted me some of the lyrics to Glory Baby- and I'm so thankful she did, because that song put into words exactly what I was feeling:

Ok, that is all for today. Sorry for the terrible transition. Part 2 to be continued!

Christian at 4

2011-02-02T04:46:00.003Z

"Dear God. Thank you for Christian. And Kate. And Mommy and Daddy. And thank you for the baby growing in Mommy's belly. Please help Christian come to know you and live a life of worship and surrender to you. Amen."

It's how we end every day. And in praying for Christian, since the very beginning- even when I was pregnant- I knew he would be a worshipper someday. Crazily enough, before he was born our worship leader at the time reminded me of Christian. I still long for that. Even more than I desire for him to succeed academically, become awesome at some instrument, some sport, get into a career that he'll love someday...

I long for him to be a worshipper whose life is lived in complete surrender. Much like his Daddy's!

That is my life long hope for you son, at 4.

You are a silly guy. You will start laughing at something- look at me, we'll both start laughing. And we don't even know what we're laughing at.

You are generous with praise. "Good job Kate. That's a very good GIRL!"

You started Awana and are doing awesome- reciting your verses for us makes us so proud

You come alive during your quiet time. You went from naps, to quiet times to loud/quiet times. I love to hear you playing in your room and coming up with all kinds of stories with your toys

you love to build and create- towers, walls, train tracks

Your favorite foods are oatmeal with brown sugar, chocolate milk and brownies

I have had very mixed feelings about this being your last year at home with Mommy all day. Very mixed. Four to me just says, "preschooler." You will start preschool in the fall, and I am eating up all of the days you, Kate and I have at home together. Choosing when we want to get dressed, get out of the house, etc.

You have a vivid memory of the times you spend with your friends- even the ones out of town that we rarely see. I'm always surprised to hear you talking in your quiet time- pretending, and a name comes up of a friend we haven't seen in months!

One of my favorite things is our morning time together. You and Mommy are the early birds around here. I'm usually on the couch and you peek your head around the corner and grin, holding both of your monkeys as if to ask, "can I come out?"

The other day your Daddy and I were cracking up as we heard you playing in your room with Kate. It got real quiet and then all of a sudden you said, "What's up dude?!" And came out of your room with your hat on backwards. NO idea where that came from!

You are sweet down to the very core, and very intentional about how you do things. A lot of times when you do "act out" it's because your feelings are hurt or you aren't able to get things just right with your toys

Lord, you created Christian and gifted us with him. Help us live lives of surrender and worship to you so we'll have what it takes to raise this sweet boy in the wisdom that only comes from You.

Nathan and Heather

2011-01-24T21:07:00.003Z

We have really gotten into some people's lives the past year. And they have gotten into theirs, too. All starting with a small group through our church that began this time last year.

Just this past year we have celebrated our kids' birthdays together, anniversaries, holidays- we have traveled together and a few of the couples even met up on Christmas down south. We've cried (all of us at one point), laughed, had to say some very hard things to each other...

but one of the most exciting things that's happened this past year was the engagement of the only non-married couple in our group. We knew they were meant for each other and they knew it too. And from what I can remember, just 10 months after their dating relationship started, they were engaged!

We are all so excited for them and got to attend their wedding a few weekends ago.

Congratulations Nathan and Heather! I can't wait to do more life with this group of friends, and we're all looking forward to meeting the new couples who will join us in a few weeks.

By the way...

2011-01-21T06:11:00.003Z

We are pregnant!

In the picture above, Christian had asked to sleep with a picture I'd shown him earlier that day. This is what the baby will look like at 8 weeks. It was the day we told him about the baby. From what we can gather- he wants a brother, but thinks it's a sister. When we ask Kate she responds with whichever we say last. "Kate, do you want a brother or a sister? Kate: A sister!" "Kate, do you want a sister or a brother? Kate: A brother!"

We are so happy. And just get happier the further it sinks in.

I am due September 17- which, interestingly enough, was my Mom's due date with me!

I will be 6 weeks along this Saturday.

I have known since the day before I was 3 weeks.

We were not "trying," but...never did feel "done" with 2 kids.

THREE.

What does this mean? I have laid awake at night trying to figure out how many grades in school they'll all be apart (they'll have a grade between them. So we'll have a 1st, grader, a 3rd grader, a 5th grader). I've also been thinking about bunk beds, how old Christian and Kate will be when they start sharing a room, when should we start adjusting them to bunk beds...I have not had a ton of sleep the past little while.

For a few months, we'll have 3 in our house that are under 4. This makes me smile. A fun realization.

I read the journal I kept during my pregnancy with Kate the other day. It wasn't necessarily a pregnancy journal- just where I was at almost every day. I was lonely. Isolated. (Pregnancy) Sick, and afraid to reach out. Grieving being so far away from friendships built in Scotland. And living in an upstairs apartment. I am thankful for what all has changed since then. That we're living in the fruit of what we sowed at that time. A church. Friends. A real community. A house. The ability to be a bit more real with people.

I have been sick this week. Sick enough to quit coffee (at least in the mornings). When I wake up I go straight to cooking some egg whites (which is what I craved with Christian) -the only thing that sort of settles my stomach. But I feel fine by 10am. Imagine that! Morning sickness only in the morning!

I am not feeling sick today- which makes me nervous (we won't see the heartbeat for another 3 weeks), vulnerable, and wondering if God is maybe answering the prayers of several who are praying against nausea.

Interesting how "feeling bad" in pregnancy has become such a norm that I'm terrified when I don't.

And for anyone who cares, I am taking my pre natal vitamin this time! I have rebelled on this in the past (Scotland thought they were an outlandish idea and with Kate I was way too sick).

Anyway, I'm pregnant! And so happy about it!

Loving my new header!

2011-01-17T21:08:00.000Z

Thank you Barbie!

Be Yourself

2010-12-28T05:50:00.002Z

Some people just inspire you to be yourself.

They see the real you, and even if you wanted to, you couldn't convince them to see otherwise.

They know you mean well, even when you don't stay in touch. Even when you make different life decisions. They know when you're struggling and even in the midst of different schools, churches, cities, groups of local friends- they are still the one who gets you. There's just not a lot of explaining needed. And especially no defending yourself necessary.

There's just so little energy needed. No hurt feelings, because you aren't suspicious of each other's motives. Ever.

When I sat down (in person, yay! Such a rarity!) to ask this friend for advice last night, her response?

"Be yourself."

I mean, I gave her full reign to call me out. Correct me. Tell me I'm doing something wrong, please! Because it will confirm a lie I've been believing.

"You just have to believe that you'll bless at least some one by being yourself."

Isn't that the truth though? I needed to hear that. It tore right through the lie.

Especially looking to the new year. At all the things- the many, many things I'd like to change about myself and how I do life. And how I'd not like to be myself at times.

It is nice to have someone who believes that "yourself" is something unique and worthy.

Her role

2010-12-21T20:58:00.003Z

I'm not exactly sure what the role of a godmother is, nor did I plan to have any for my kids.

But when someone is praying for, thinks of spiritual details you yourself don't even think of for your own child (before they're even born), insists on being at the hospital the entire time labor is happening (starting at 3am) and beyond, at your house when you arrive home with your first baby, gifts you with a diamond necklace promptly after arriving home, and assures you that you're loved just exactly the mess that you are...I think they probably fit the description "godmother" just perfectly.

And so I found myself sitting across from Claire, for the 1000th time, at Costa Coffee, except this time trying to put into words- "would you keep caring about Christian like you do? Keep praying? Keep texting and asking how we're doing? Keep wanting time alone with him? Keep thinking of spiritual (and nonspiritual) details of concern and care for him that I forget? Keep spending time with me- listening to every gory detail of what it's like to become a "Mum" away from home?"

"Would you be willing to be Christian's godmother?" I awkwardly spewed out.

And nothing really changed- she just fit the description so well in my mind that I wanted to give her a title. Maybe then it would ensure that she'd continue in our lives forever. Even if we were to move back to USA someday.

And we did.

And she has.

And I started out Christian's birthday this year with thankful tears as I woke to this email from her (written from Scotland):

Can you read this to Christian and pray the prayer over him for me please??
Xxx

Happy Birthday Christian!!!
Miss you sooooooooooooooooooo much! I wish I were an active part of your life.
I think of you lots and pray for you.
I wish I was there to celebrate your birthday with you.
I have the fondest memories of the day you were born and wish your were around to make more! I see your lovely mUm's blog posts and realise how you have no memory of Scotland and how other people play the role I'd love to have played in your life.
However I pray that these aunties and uncles who are blessed to know you would teach you and bless you so much and that they look after you so well, providing you with further good influences on your life - as well as that of your lovely parents.
I pray for your parents, that they'd have wisdom to bring you up really well into the Godly man I'm sure youll become. I pray they'd know when to say yes and when to say no to the things you want as you grow. I pray that you'd always be able to communicate clearly with them. I pray you'd always know their love for you. I pray for protection for your relationship with them, and they with each other.
Most of all I pray for you - not only that you'd grow into a Godly man (though I do) - but also that you'd enjoy life just now as you grow; that you'd know God's love just now (as I've been praying from before you were born)... And selfishly, I pray you'd know I love you.
I'm always telling people about my Californian godson and how much I miss him.
Take care of yourself and have a great day, the 17th of December will always be a special day to me - however far away you are.
Much, much love always.
Auntie Clairexxxxxxxx
(your mummy should give you those kisses on my behalf.) xx

I mean really, I can't ask for much more. God is so good to us and our kids.

Thank you Claire for letting me share this!

The umbrella button

2010-12-20T22:26:00.002Z

When Christian discovered the umbrella opened at the touch of a button...

"See Kate? You put it down..."

"And then you press really hard right here..."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh...."

Kate thinks it's just about the greatest thing she's ever seen!

Someday you'll get it

2010-11-18T23:24:00.003Z

When I used to regularly watch the McDonalds' kids, Britany used to say, "Someday you'll get it."

"you'll get how important it is, as a Mom- to have someone loving on your kids. Especially when there's not family around. It's just hard to explain how much it means. But someday when you have kids, you'll get it."

In a lot of ways I learned about kids through the 4 McDonald kids. I can't even go into how much I miss them. Their son was the only one I cried saying goodbye to when we left Scotland. As I tucked him into bed the last time he asked, "How many more sleeps til we get to see you?"

Ohhhh boy.

Anyway, I wondered if we'd have people in our lives to love on our kids that way. Especially without family around. It's a given that family loves on them (and boy, does our family)- but when you live in a city without any family members, you're at the mercy of God putting people in your path for that very purpose.

And He has.

Just this past month I have really felt: 1) old, and 2) really thankful. Like, wait- I was just 22, watching the McDonald's kids just yesterday, wasn't I?

And now here we are at an engagement party, 10 years older than everyone else in attendance- our kids the only little ones there, and being loved on by all kinds of college students. They were being fed those little individual jams, running up and down the aisles just so they could watch and giggle at Kate's cute run- we were definitely the parents in attendance.

God has graced us with someone we call on regularly- who our kids know and love (Ms. Cecily)

And really where it came full circle for me is when this couple (who really feels more like family at this point) insisted on watching our kids for free, so we could go on a date. A date that ended up being FOUR HOURS.

It's been a time warp blessing, this month. And now I know what Britany means. I can take our friends up on their free date night offer too knowing, first hand, that they'll be blessed 10 times more in return for serving us!

When it speeds up

2010-11-16T21:01:00.003Z

I had this (butt ugly) rental car once, and one of the really funky features was that the stereo would get louder as I sped up.

It took me a while to figure it out, "why is the music so loud all of a sudden?!"

I mean, I'm all for loud music, but when it happens gradually, and without choice- a little annoying.

The speed drowns out the thinking. The listening. The intentionality.

I've had a taste- a glimpse of slowing down the past few weeks (and saying no to other things in order to do so). Bubble baths while catching up on magazines, and walks with my family in the cool autumn weather. And I like it!

Family Fun- I is for Instruments

2010-11-15T23:05:00.006Z

I am learning as I go on this family fun combined with letter of the week thing- and this letter I learned that I need to have a main event planned to get some momentum going! My main events didn't go as planned this time- watching the Clovis West band practice (during nap time), or going to the Veteran's day parade to see the instruments- something else (an engagement party! Woohoo!) came up during that time. So here we are 3 weeks later! The letter I...

I've gotta give credit to Lisa - thank you for the great idea for this week's theme!

I went looking around our house for instruments and discovered we have a lot of musical toys!

We created our own "shakers" out of paper plates and beans (Kate was confused as to why we were trapping one of her favorite foods inside paper plates). First the plates needed to be decorated

And then shaken, a lot!

Christian went looking for the longest drum sticks he could find, and made them into drums

Had to sneak this one in here. She sure loves her raisins

Kate colored our learning poster (this girl loves to color!)

The only instrument she colored was the keyboard (hmmm, future pianist?)

There was also a lot of attention to the dot of the I = )

We practiced some Is on the concrete

We found some great instrument books at the library

And we had "I" sandwiches for lunch

He has no idea

2010-11-05T04:38:00.004Z

As we went for a walk today and saw a school bus, he told me, "I didn't ride on a bus yet Mommy." "I want to go on the bus."

And it all came flooding back, like it does at times- this completely separate, different, upside down from how we live now in a lot of ways, world that we lived in while in Scotland. Not better or worse- just very, very different.

He road on a bus. A lot. We'd wait at the bus stop together- he and I, almost always in the rain-with our change ready (95 pence), and, just after the driver lowered the bus for our stroller, we'd get on the bus. When he was an infant, laying down in that sweet stroller's bassinet- I'd stroll him right on the bus, park him where the strollers went, and hold him proudly while the Scottish grannies (who were usually in the front of the bus by us) ooohed and awed over him. We'd go to the store, we'd go to city centre, we'd sometimes treat ourselves and instead of walking the 2 miles to where our friends lived, take the bus.

I am so glad I took this picture of his little hand!

The bus, for me- was one of those learning curves that you need to learn pretty quickly- just about as quickly as the seasons of my life changed while living in Scotland.

My first year living there being single- learning the bus route- which really is no easy task. The numbers, the times (in military time), learning that it's ok to sit awkwardly close. Expected. When to stand up so the driver knows you're ready to get off. Whether or not a certain driver is going to need to hear the "ding!" or if he'll see you out of the corner of his eye and know to stop. And whether or not it's abnoxious to press that bell in the first place.

My second year adding a husband and teaching him all the unspoken rules.

My third year being the pregnant lady on the bus that everybody got up for.

And then, our last chapter- my fourth year- adding a baby (and the awkwardness of learning how to manuever a stroller) on that bus. Each chapter so significant in it's different form.

That life feels so separate. So long ago that Christian has no recollection of it. But his age reminds me that it really was only three years ago.

Sometimes I wonder how on earth we did that life. But it's the details- the "bus" details, that remind me.

Happy Halloween!

2010-10-31T05:05:00.003Z

Halloween bliss= dressing up your little ones and swooning over them with your spouse.

This year we have a 20 month dalmatian

And a 3 1/2 year old fearless firefighter

When I saw this next picture I had visions of her wedding day daddy/daughter dance. Thank Heaven she's not even 2 yet

Tonight we went to a close friend's Halloween party that couldn't have been better suited to our little ones, and tomorrow it's trick-or-treating and handing out candy with friends. Happy Halloween!

Family Fun- H is for Harvest

2010-10-26T05:54:00.002+01:00

What a full and fun past few weeks it has been!

We did a very Harvesty thing Jason and I both grew up doing every fall- the fair (we got in for free by bringing canned food- definitely will be doing that again)! We had never taken our kids, nor had we been ourselves in YEARS- it was hot, but a lot of fun.

The animals, honestly, weren't that big of a hit.

We played with the kids exhibits

We ate fair food and listened to live music- this was definitely Kate's favorite part. This girl keeps making us laugh and shocking us with her little personality- which is a whole different post. But dance moves, walking up to strangers and flirting- that was our girl on fair night!

Next up was the pumpkin patch (a few days later)!

We had such a good experience at the pumpkin patch we went to this year. It was family-owned, all of the seeds planted by their daughters (and proceeds went towards their college funds!), and we got to pick our own pumpkins from their patch.

We went on a hay ride (I think the driver was the Grandpa of the family) and Christian showed monkey the selection of pumpkins

Fed the animals on their farm

Love that they had each animal named and identified in a frame!

Christian chose and helped cut his own pumpkin

Next, we did something I'd been wanting to do for a while- we took our actual "family fun night" to the local family shelter and shared it with them.

We played a few games...

We read this story

We did a craft along the lines of "Jesus makes us clean inside and then shines through us"

Christian made a friend

And I made a friend- a little girl who needed a break from being the "Mommy" of her siblings so she could be 8 years old and do a craft

And so we come home to our home that I'd just recently decorated for the Harvest season

...and I am humbled. Why it's not us living at that family shelter (we've been unemployed for almost 2 years now), I don't know. But thank you Lord all the same for an open door to a special community of people who really "get" who You are!

The truth about the letter G

2010-10-13T20:59:00.005+01:00

Our letter "G" week bombed! Big time! So much so that I can't seem to get my feet back under me to try again. Maybe writing this will do the trick, cause I've got some big plans for H week!

This picture pretty much says it all. Our theme was "G is for Grapes." How excited does Christian look, to you, about grapes?

We tried our hand at making raisins...

although, I had no clue how to even do it- so I thought we'd just experiment with some grapes out in the sunshine. That lasted all of one morning. That same afternoon Kate came inside with chipmunk cheeks FULL of these grapes (I guess she can get up to the table by herself after all!), and the rest I'm sure were smooshed inside her little dimply hands. = )

Let's go to a Vineyard! Yes, a field trip is just what we need! Except the day we were meant to go Kate slept, and slept, and slept. I had told Christian we'd be going to the gym and to the Vineyard afterwards. But when Kate woke up at 10, made a last-minute decision to just go to the Vineyard. Bad call. Christian went into this trip really disappointed about not going to the gym.

And then of course we came across this (it was way bigger, and posted on the fence)

Right there my "rule follower" self just could not relax. And it showed. I was looking all around us, telling the kids to just "stay RIGHT HERE." It was not pretty. Kate was helping herself to dozens of rotting grapes on the ground. Ok, our time here is done!

So I left with a crying Kate who wanted to eat more grapes from the ground, a disappointed pouty Christian who wanted to go to the gym all along, and a Mommy who was on edge. We headed to the grocery store to get some stuff for a sweet grape salad that I thought might help mend our day. WRONG!

Well, I take that back. Christian LOVED measuring the grapes. The recipe called for 5 pounds of grapes- so he would measure one pound at a time, looking to make sure the line on the scale was perfectly lined up. This part was actually really fun.

The recipe we made (with FIVE POUNDS) of grapes, was real bad. And I'm not a picky eater, at all. The fluffy white dressing was not mixed enough or something and it was pretty much inedible.

The thing that finally stunted all creativity and excitement was an incident that included a purple marker- that was meant to use for fingerprints. Instead there was a bath to be had at 6am (same Saturday morning Jason needed to leave at 6am for a class, hence no space for any "family fun" aspect) and a whooooole lot of scrubbing.

Ok, Mommy's throwing in the towel for the week. We will try again with H!

Really?

2010-10-07T22:29:00.002+01:00

The cashier at Target today took one look at Christian and said, "Oh! Your son looks like...like...ohhhh, who is that? What show is that? Um, he looks JUST look him! It comes on ABC I think, after Modern Family...the son. He's the son on that show after Modern Family. Looks just like him, except with lighter hair."

Dan Byrd (I had to come home and do some research, I was so curious)

What do you think?

2010-10-06T04:06:00.006+01:00

There is so much that I love about this picture. First of all, that a picture from my phone will even show up- we took her darkening shade off her window this week and she seems to be sleeping fine! The belly, the baby she just started wanting to sleep with, the cup of milk in her bed (she insists on not having it in there, but was giving her baby some before she fell asleep), her toes curled around one of the rails lol...

Seems like there's usually a "hot" item that both kids are really into at the same time, for a length of time. Right now, it's these goggles. Actually Christian was really into them last week- I hid them because they wouldn't stop fighting over them, and now they're back. And every time Kate asks to wear them her hair becomes a complete disaster. Oh well, it's worth it.

For the first time in oh, 5 months straight? This thing (in our living room) has been turned off for 24 hours straight.

I love our backyard. So does Christian. And when Christian's out there, Kate's out there. Between the screen falling off every 2 minutes, I get some quick cleaning done when they're out there.

And lastly, let me introduce you to a couple Jason and I are mentoring. I meet with her weekly, Jason meets with him weekly, and we do dinner as couples when we can. They even started coming to the "old people" early service that we go to (if you know our church, you know I'm kidding). Love them.

F is for Firefighter

2010-09-27T04:46:00.002+01:00

Firefighters are near to our hearts, so we were excited about this. Our Christian James is named after his Great Grandpa James Maroney who was a fire chief in Bakersfield. When he passed, we went with my Grandma to the station that he'd worked at so many years ago, and they honored him in a very special way. Having a firefighter as a Daddy is a big part of my Mom's story, and we all around just love firefighters. And I did have to learn that it is not politically correct to say fireman.

One of the families we're closest to in Fresno is a firefighter family, so we got to have a special morning at the fire station with firefighter Frank who has kids our kids' ages (almost exactly). He made the morning perfect in every way. We went away having learned a lot about his everyday life, having an even greater respect for this field, and of course our kids had a blast.

Here's our weekly learning poster

And craft

We made the firefighters at station 20 some cookies

At the fire station Frank showed us all of his cool equipment

We all piled in the fire engine

It had to have been at least 90 that day, and Frank still got all suited up

...and rescued each child!

Us with our favorite Fresno City firefighter

We brought our whole life group along, which I'm sure Frank was fine with- being that one of them is his wife ; )

I can't even come close to explaining the excitement Christian had about spraying that fire hose

See what I mean?

Daddy/Daughter

Meesha

Kate enjoyed everything sparkly and shiny

Just as we were finishing up, they got a call! It was exciting for us to watch them get all suited up- Frank jump in the driver's seat, and go roaring away. The perfect ending!

Back home we continued to enjoy our "F is for Firefigher" week. Both kids loved wearing the fire helmet

One of our favorite letter weeks yet!

Different

2010-09-25T05:42:00.004+01:00

Canaan 8 Months, Christian 10 Months in Dad's backyard

Christian and Canaan 3 1/2 and fitting perfectly in the chairs!

I followed in Emily's footsteps growing up.

She did ballet, I did ballet.

She played flute, I played flute.

She was a lifeguard, I was a lifeguard.

It was safe. I saw her doing those things- I absolutely adored and wanted to be like her- and so I did exactly what she did.

As we change and grow and have since lived thousands of miles apart, I have come to appreciate how different we actually are.

And how healing that is. To be very different in some ways, but still someone I consider a best friend and run to for support.

Do you know...

I started cloth diapering just like her, but didn't love it?

I started breast feeding Christian after watching her do it for years, and absolutely hated it?

After reading (parts of) the Bradley book she gave me, decided to have an epidural with before I even went into labor?

Knowing how passionately against the c-section epidemic she is, decided to have one months prior to Kate being born?

Do you know who one of my biggest cheerleaders is? Emily.

There's not a whole lot that we don't talk about. We know most of the ins and outs of each other's decisions. We get to hear the heart behind the big decisions we each make.

And so we don't make blanket judgements of each other.

In a world where we make (non intentional) judgements of each other based on the stroller, purse, healthiness of the snack we packed for the park, diaper bag, minivan (or that we even drive a minivan) , schooling choice for our kids, shoes and how "put-together" we look, it is refreshing.

It is healing, the differences. That we don't have to be the same (although we do drive the same mini-van LOL). She has acted as a beacon of hope for me as I step out there to be "different."

Family fun- E is for Elephant

2010-09-19T06:19:00.002+01:00

One of these days I'll do a post on why we do these themed weeks/family fun nights. I am learning as I go "why." I read for months about a Mom doing them and thought they just looked like fun. As I got going I realized they were going to be a lot more work then I ever would have realized, and wondered if it was worth it. Now, especially after adding an educational element with young kids that lasts the whole week, I am positive it is worth it!

This week was full- we had a commitment every morning of the week and I was cramming in elephant prep where I could. It was fun- but come to think of it, we also had a commitment every evening of the week, which is why it was hard to find a time to do the "family fun" aspect. We managed to fit a short one in. I think some weeks are just going to be like this!

We started off the week going to the library. With no librarian in sight this time, I was forced to figure things out- and did (hopefully the library didn't mind my kids banging away at the rainbow colored keyboards in the computer section). ; )

We, I especially, really enjoyed learning more about elephants this week. I remembered that they love peanuts, so we had nutter butter cookies as a snack

This week I splurged on a green table cloth (it seems like so many of our themes call for green) and found this elephant at Goodwill

I was also able to release some of my Mommy control in the "E" craft. I'm glad I did.

We made a big huge elephant

We played "toss a peanut into the elephant's mouth"

And listened to this Elephant song. LOVE this

Family fun- D is for Dinosaur

2010-09-04T05:32:00.002+01:00

This week we focused on dinosaurs, and it was fun!

We went to the Discovery Center, did the Dino Dig and checked out the dinosaurs there

We checked out some of our other favorite things at the Discovery Center too- the rocket and the pipe phones

We set up our dinosaur table

Christian' made a dinosaur out of a letter D

Made our learning poster- we also did some activities focusing on the number 4 and worked on our memory verse this week.

We had a dino snack

Read Ten Little Dinosaurs

Did a dino egg (water balloon) toss

For dinner had dino legs, trees and quicksand

We also found this dino friend just in time for this week, hiding in the attic (I'm learning that Christian is definitely our stuffed-animal lover)

Rescue Mission

2010-09-04T02:37:00.004+01:00

If you're anything like me, or the people who have been listening to our Rescue Mission experience this week - your eyes are glazing over just reading that title. Blah, blah- social justice. Blah, blah.

That is honestly how I tend to think of social work at times. It's always such a good idea, but then gets messy. And why are people doing it? To make their business look good? As a tax write-off? Especially when it is something with such a cliche sound like...

THE RESCUE MISSION.

Our family went on a tour of the rescue mission this week. And frankly, our ulterior motives were Jason's community service needed for his degree, and we want our kids to grow up being involved in service as a family.

And so there we were. I'd done the drill before- in Oxnard, Glasgow and Los Angeles.

Only this time something different stuck.

"The difference between us and them," said the volunteer showing us around, "is lies believed. They do this long enough- live on the streets, shelter to shelter, that it becomes their norm. We all have lies that we believe- we're too fat. Too skinny. Too poor. Too quiet. Too loud. Too dumb. This is theirs."

I can relate to the lies. Can you? They start out small: house is too messy. And onto bigger things (in the past) like "We just don't fit into any church here in town because no one will ever 'get' us."

See what I mean?

Really, there is no "us and them."

"C is for Caterpillar" Fun

2010-08-31T06:06:00.002+01:00

"C for Caterpillar" week was in full-force around here this week. And along with the kids, Mommy is learning too. It's a steep learning curve, adding "curriculum" into our week! But worth it, I'm thinking.

We started out with some caterpillar decorations

A learning poster (this is what happens when you ask a 3 year old to color it while you're in the back of the house getting a toddler dressed for the day. You can kind of see Christian's handwriting, our plant of the week, verse of the week, etc.

We took a trip to the library, and I just have to laugh to myself thinking about it. I think I'm scared of the library. I don't know how to look up books in the computer system. The "putting books on hold" thing on their website didn't work for me because I couldn't remember my password. But the time had come- we just simply needed some books. I humbled myself, took Christian and Kate in there and just plain asked in the kids section, "Do you have any books about caterpillars?" She was so sweet- she guided me around to five different books- all in different sections. I've gotta say- the kids did great too. They followed me around like little ducklings. First library trip looking for something specific, a success.

And these books wound up being great- I found Christian sitting at the table at one point flipping through them with no prompting.

Kate played with Flapsy, a little wooden caterpillar gifted to Christian from Auntie Emily a few Christmas' ago.

We made these little pom pom caterpillars which were right up my kids' alleys- they love pom poms!

And then, on my Apple Toddler day Jason made these caterpillars with the kids- I was so impressed. No prompting whatsoever!

We watched "Hermie- A Common Caterpillar"

I was thrilled to find these stuffed caterpillars at the Dollar Store (Christian has been sleeping with both of them all week)!

And then, the week sort of went ca-put. I had a game planned where we'd wrap each other up in cocoons (toilet paper), we'd eat little kabobs with green grapes to look like caterpillars...but on Sunday when we were meant to do all of that I looked at Jason and said, "You know, I don't feel like doing any caterpillar fun. At all."

So our "intentional" family fun ended up being a trip to Target to get a special toy/game for Christian and Kate with allowance from Grandma.

And we found this awesome toy! I highly recommend it. It helps them practice writing by lighting up where to draw- has letter games, it is great! We'll use this instead of paper for the majority of our letter practicing I'm thinking. Kate loves scribbling on it too, so it's all-around a win. As nap-time slowly becomes quiet-time, I definitely think this will be one of Christian's quiet-time toys.

And then a trip to the pet store- we got to watch the dogs being groomed and stare at the colorful fish.

A fun learning week with the kids and a fun family day too!

2010-08-24T04:05:00.002+01:00

When I say I am living my dream...

I mean it.

I am really, REALLY...

Living my dream.

Family fun- Baking

2010-08-23T06:25:00.003+01:00

Our family fun nights have changed a bit! Between starting a preschool curriculum and planning family fun nights, I knew there needed to be some combining of the two- and our first week doing it this way proved to go really well, and re-inforce what we were learning over and over!

We've had a learning poster the past few weeks- here is our poster for this week- the whole theme based around the letter B.

We've been learning about the Tower of Babel, bison, buttercup flowers, blue-birds, baking, and have practiced writing the number 2 and the letter B. It's the first time I've really intentionally worked on Christian's writing with him, and was having some Mama moments of pride as I saw legible letters being written out.

I'm liking having our theme table set up all week. We can talk about the items and what we're learning about at meals, they can take the items and play with them during the day- they're just good conversation starters and give me a place to start with teaching.

I had some willing helpers and taste-testers of the chocolate chip cookies!

Christian colored some general cookie-baking instructions, which I think gave him a better understanding of what we'd be doing

Chocolate chip cookies were made...

dozens and dozens of them!

We also baked our own pizzas this weekend. Christian was serious about his pepperoni placement.

Papa and Nana joined in on the fun- hats and all!

So the heat feels good again

2010-08-16T04:56:00.002+01:00

There is a certain Starbucks in town that is absolutely freezing. To the point where it's almost more comfortable sitting outside. Almost.

I had just spent an astronomical amount of uninterrupted laptop time in there when I'd come outside to the heat and actually thought to myself (in the 100+ degree weather)-"Wow, that feels good."

I'd mustered up the guts not to just ask Jason for a little time away for the day- not just one, two, even three hours. FOUR hours is what I needed to feel like me again. Four. Half of our family's Saturday. And not during the "easy" (nap time) part of the day. I wanted it to be a good chunk of time when they'd be awake. And when I asked, he was taken back. Kind of gulped and winced and responded, "Ok. Four hours? Ok, sure."

It's something I didn't regret doing- asking for the time, because I was a new woman when I returned home. I was able to hit 2 thrift stores, and then sit in Starbucks responding to emails with great thought, edit photos, research Halloween costumes and look for winter coats online. All of which had been on my wish list of things to do. I came home and repeated over and over- "that was SO refreshing."

I was able to laugh at the toys strewn all over the house, grin at the kids running toward me and honestly, be a better Mom.

I hope to do that more often. Share my true needs with Jason (as opposed to what I know will help me just get by) - it deepens our intimacy, broadens my appreciation for him, and increases my energy to love on our kids.

So the heat of my God-given responsibilities feels good again.

Family Fun- Cows

2010-08-09T03:21:00.002+01:00

This week was dedicated to cows! We started early in the week because it was the theme of Christian's curriculum that we just started

We read cow books at meal times- some of them were my golden books from when I was little!

Kate began mooing when we'd ask her what sound a cow makes and played with this Little People cow

We went to Fresno State University's dairy- that was a lot of fun. There were lots of cows, and we got to see them up close and personal!

We checked out the hay that the cows eat

Afterwards we went to the Fresno State Farm Market and it all came full circle. It was fun watching Christian make the connections that the beef cuts there were from the cows we'd just seen, and that the ice cream there was made from the cows' milk. The whole experience wouldn't have been complete without sitting outside on the grass with some Fresno State ice cream sandwiches!

It was a must to get out the cow puzzle this week

As an encore to our cow week, we had a cow dinner- Angus burgers (which Jason informed me are a Scottish cow breed)

Jason bbqed

For dessert we had Skinny Cows

We all dressed in black and white and wore cow bells

We played mooooosical chairs (with cows mooing as our music, of course)

And to end our evening, we watched "More Cowbell"

The Mills Household

2010-08-06T04:45:00.004+01:00

Here's a bit from our everyday life the past few weeks!

Christian made up a game called "bouncy" and I'll hear him ask, "Mommy, Daddy, Kate- wanna play some bouncy with me?" It's where he sits on the couch and bounces the ball as high as he can, and usually Kate runs around after it and brings it back to him. They both really seem to enjoy it!

Kate goes to the hard-to-reach places even. Maybe she likes the challenge?

And as you can see, Kate has a toothbrush in her hand at all times. This girl loves to brush her teeth. She gets frantic when I start getting out the toothpaste! I would say maybe she's teething, but she actually has had all of her teeth for a while!

Christian has been a blast this summer- he is so much fun and at such a low maintenance age in many ways. Here he is today climbing a tree

I can feel the dress-up stage coming for Ms. Kate! She will bring me something(s) and say "Wear it?" If it's a pair of shoes she's wanting me to put on, I'll tell her to sit down and she'll comply. Her favorite "wear it?" items are a swimsuit, over her outfit and her metallic silver shoes.

We got this book for Christian for his 1st birthday, and who knew he's still be so interested in it? He has grown to love big trucks, and can name almost all of them specifically, "No Mommy, that's a backhoe loader."

Last weekend we went to the lake with some friends. What an honor it was to be invited, and to realize- we have friends now IN TOWN, who invite us out to do fun things with them! One of my favorite parts of the entire day was just seeing the kids in their lifejackets. Fewer things are cuter than chunky baby legs coming out the bottom of a lifejacket!

We were all very excited to ride on the fast yellow boat, but when Christian saw Mr. Brandon pull up with it in tow, he came UNGLUED with excitement!

Another highlight of the day was our whole family being pulled on a massive inner tube. I had a moment of "what on earth are we thinking?" holding Kate just as the boat started- but after the crying died down and everyone got used to it, it was really fun. = )

Jason and I have been hosting and leading a "Married Couples with Young Kids" Life (home) group through our church, and have really been enjoying it. This has been life-giving to us as a couple, to say the least. And logistically speaking- is a great motivator for me to keep our home clean (or at least clean it on Wednesdays!). The couples we've gotten to know - and met only for the first time that very first night they showed up to our home, have quickly become life-long friends.

Kate started walking confidently at 15 months, and is now running!

Our baby's gonna be 18 months in just a few weeks!

Ice cream date as a family this past weekend!

The spray park down the street

Kate has become increasingly interested in coloring (which is a good thing, because this is what she does while I work on Christian's preschool curriculum with him, but that's a whole different post)

Christian painting his piggy bank- Jason is teaching him the concept of saving, tithing, spending

Christian and his sweet friend having frozen yogurt

Plain ol', back yard fun

This is something they play with really well together (note the swimsuit over the outfit again)!

Keeps me on my toes!

I know you

2010-07-17T04:49:00.002+01:00

When I moved away from Bakersfield for the first time in 2002, I knew I'd miss family and friends terribly. I was shocked though, at how much I missed my church family as well. And it had definitely become a church family. I could look around the sanctuary on a Sunday and know just about every one's story. I loved that.

And then came Scotland. And I got to help start a church. From a living room to a beautiful cathedral-like building, I knew everyone and their stories there, too. Our staff did a lot of life together, so we definitely knew each other well. I became a Mom during that time and took a back seat in my church involvement. It felt like a lot of my new friendships were stunted.

Fresno.

Ahhhh, we had a hard time settling down in a church in Fresno. And it really had nothing to do with any of the churches we went to- it had more to do with how I am when I'm pregnant. And so we remained elusive, sort of knowing people, sort of not.

But itt dawned on me while sitting in Living Spring the other day- thinking back on our prior Sunday at The Bridge in Bakersfield, and our home church now- I really feel I know the people around me at church (es) again!

All within 2 week's time, at 3 different "home" churches, I looked around and really knew people.

These people have seen me date, get married, live on support (many contributing to that), have a child, have another child...

It dawned on me, the way I was able to wave across the room to old friends, genuinely want to catch up with several people I'd seen. I even ran into my 4th grade teacher (and he remembered me)!

A lie was shattered.

A lie I've believed since leaving Westbrook to move to Oxnard.

That I'd never feel known that same way, understood that same way, or cared for that same way.

The church has been the church, and I have been blessed by that for years on end, by multiple churches!

The day we met

2010-07-03T03:36:00.005+01:00

Call it crazy, but before I met Jason face to face- I had a strong, strong feeling he could be "the one."

I know the stigma behind internet dating, believe me. You should see the looks on people's faces when I tell them we met on the internet. It's usually, "Oh? Ohhhh." lol But that's ok!

Jason and I started chatting online in 2000. We were both sort of in and out of the long term relationships we'd been in before, and it was purely a little internet friendship. I felt lonely during that time of my life- working with youth and needing to be the one who had it all together. Only, I didn't. Which is where Jason came in. He was also in youth ministry, and we could talk, vent, share, and pray for each other in that.

Only, as we prayed, I grew to love this man's heart.

And if you get right down to it- internet dating does make it pretty easy to only see the heart. If, that is, you're chatting with someone honest.

I was in the middle of a no dating year I'd committed to, and started to love Jason's heart a little too much. Knowing he was still in a relationship, I told him we needed to stop emailing. It was hard, believe it or not. I explained my "no dating for a year" thing I was doing, and then I felt really, really dumb. Like he knew I was getting attached.

Anyway. The year went by- and it really was an entire year. Jason contacted me pretty much right when it was over. Just randomly instant messaged. He was on his brother's screen name so I didn't recognize who it was. Their family was coming through town on their way to Yosemite and he wondered if we could meet. I declined, not feeling ready and wondering if the whole thing was just plain weird.

A while later, we did set up a time to meet. And I knew I was very interested in him at that point. We'd had several phone conversations, seen pictures, and knew we were headed in the same direction- both feeling called into full time ministry.

So there was kind of a lot at stake for that first meeting.

We agreed to meet at Saddleback church and bring our Moms. Random, I know. But I am so glad now that we did. We'd meet in front of the sanctuary and then go to dinner afterwards. Whew! I get butterflies just thinking about that moment!

The day we were to meet I tanned, put on the outfit that I'd analyzed to death, had my makeup perfect, hair all in it's place, and hoped for the best. Oh, and had a verse in my pocket that I was going to cling onto that day. I wish I could remember what verse it was.

We arrived 4 hours later at Saddleback church, my Mom and I. We knew they'd be driving a Camry- he and his Mom. We
knew he was tall. And that's really all we knew. And the church is huge- seriously, we had to ask someone where the sanctuary even was. And then I had a moment of "seriously, what on earth am I doing? We're 4 hours away from home, and now I've brought my Mom into this..."

But then I saw him. And I knew right away it was him.

It was our moment! The moment I met my future husband, and kind of knew it that night. He smelled good, he looked good. He as exactly what I'd pictured. And I really hoped he was the one.

We hugged, smiled nervously, and then ushered ourselves into the church service. I picked apart if he was clapping or singing during worship. Was he taking notes? He and his Mom were chatting a lot. What were they chatting about? We made small talk after the service- and just kind of stared at each other a lot. We were in person.

At that time I was living with my Mom only and we had so much fun together. We got home from Saddleback late that night and he'd sent an email. Through AOL at the time you could see, as the sender, if your recipient had read the email you'd sent. I remember yelling downstairs to my Mom, "Mom, Elpostito sent an email! Should I read it or wait til the morning? Will I look desperate if I read it?"

hahaha. Man, it's funny thinking back on that day.

Indeed, it was my future husband I'd met that day.

Happy 6th wedding anniversary Jason. I love our story.

Family Fun Night- Frogs!

2010-06-29T04:55:00.002+01:00

Oh, this was a fun one! We had a frog family fun night in honor of our very first family pet- a little tiny frog Jason found in our front yard. Without knowing about our family fun theme, Christian came hopping out of his bedroom like a frog this morning!

It has been really fun watching the boys scavenge for bugs, go the the pet store to gather frog "supplies", and feed and tend to this frog several times a day. We overheard Christian calling him "Toady," so Toady he is!

We tried to have Christian hold him for a picture, but he kept jumping all over the place!

We listened to this song "Bullfrogs and Butterflies, have both been born again..." all throughout the day, and boy did it bring back memories. I am so thankful for the Christian music my parents had playing constantly when we were growing up. In fact, here it is on youtube if you've never heard it. It was fun that Christian loved the song so much- he kept asking to replay it over, and over and over...

A new frog was in order for this day!

We watched Leap Frog's Talking Words Factory

We delivered a special invitation to Jason, who was studying in our bedroom

For dinner we had frog legs, flies on logs, and lily pad dip

And bug juice

For dessert we had speckled frogs

We (and by we I mean Jason and Christian, I had on a dress) played leap frog

And we read A Frog in the Kitchen Sink

A Stuffed Friend

2010-06-25T18:02:00.003+01:00

It was time.

Time to pick out the perfect stuffed animal friend for Kate. I was remembering back when Christian got attached to his monkey, and it was right around 13 months- so I started feeling the urgency- almost like she didn't have a "friend!"

Thus my entire evening out on the town looking, searching high and low in Clovis and Fresno- for the perfect toy. Target- no. Babies R Us, no. Party City where we got Christian's monkey? NO. Barnes and Noble? No.

My best bet was probably Babies-R-Us. They have a really cute section filled with adorable stuffed animals. Yet, each of them had their own "issue" in my mind. Not good enough to be Kate's best friend.

Let's back up and look at Christian's choice friend. I like him. He's cute, he's neutral, and he's very cuddly. Monkey.

My eye was first drawn to this adorable frog. But the more I thought about it- I didn't quite want Kate to have a boy friend, and for some reason, frogs in my mind are all boys.

So then I went the other extreme. Maybe a pink bear? Sure, that's cute. Very girly. But you know what? Too cliche.

There was another cute teady bear that was way more attractive than the one in this picture- but again, too cliche (especially the "baby's first teady" part)

Ok, well then let's go with something that's not cliche at all. An elephant! Yeah, that's cute. Infact, I think Emily had an elephant when she was a baby and it was really cute! I carried it around for a while, trying to feel out if it would be the right friend for Kate. And all of a sudden the trunk seemed really awkward. No, can't have an awkward-trunk elephant. Putting you back, buddy.

Now here's a cute one. Fun, unique, but definitely not cuddly enough

Wait. Now here's one that's really cute. Soft, very soft. And cheerful! Way too bright though. Don't want that think being the focal point in every picture Kate has it in

Here's something pink- let's see. A poodle? Oh no, I automatically think you're snobby. You're going back.

Hello Kitty! I have lots of memories of loving Hello Kitty as a child! But how awkwardly big is that head? Not sure she can snuggle with it.

Awe- a lamb! Yeah, I can totally see her carrying around a sweet little lamb. But that thing's gonna get filthy, it's way too white!

At this point I left Babies-R-Us defeated (it was already the 3rd store I'd been to) and called a friend. The conversation went something like this (keep in mind, this friend is not a Mom):

Me: "Hey there, how's it going?"

Her: "Good, what are you up to?"

Me: "I'm out looking for a stuffed animal for Kate. I've been to 3 stores already and can't find the right one. The frog was too masculine, the elephant's tusk was awkward..."

Her: "Try Home Goods- they have really cute stuffed animals!"

Me: Good idea. The trials and tribulations of a stay at home Mom, eh?"

I got there 10 minutes before closing and found what I think is THE PERFECT friend for Ms. Kate. A cute and cuddly pig!

Jason, when I get home and show him her new friend: "Do you think that's gonna give her a complex?"

Ahhhhh!! lol

Swimming lessons have begun!

2010-06-24T20:19:00.002+01:00

Happy Father's Day Jason!

2010-06-20T02:49:00.006+01:00

After I'd given up on dating, or rather, when I let God have His way with who I'd date and someday marry, I made a list. Corny as it sounds, it was like a wish list of qualities for a husband. Something to give me some direction- because when you want to be married so bad, sometimes you just don't think straight.

On that list, among many other things, was "good with kids."

I had no idea how important this would be just 6 years after writing that on the list. 6 years later when Christian was born.

My husband, lover and best friend became a Daddy.

And I, in turn, fell more in love with him.

When I wrote "good with kids" on that list, I had no idea that that I was actually writing sacrificial, provider, gentle, firm, biggest smile in the whole world when you're proud of your kids, godly, dedicated, loyal, fun, and adventurous.

I hadn't been able to picture you so longing to see your son after a long day at work that you went and woke him up after his bedtime

Or how cute it is that you too now put bows in Kate's hair = )

That you would come alive doing an outdoor work project with Christian. Never does it seem to cross your mind that he might get in the way or be more trouble to have there. You want him there.

How gentle you are with our daughter. The way you talk to her, stroke her hair...oh! And how I hear you get so excited to see her in the morning when you're the first one in her room.

How you read the Bible to Christian every night, without fail.

Yep, among many of the other things on that crazy list, God far surpassed my expectations.

Happy 4th Father's Day Jason!

Family Fun - Happy Birthday Mom Mills!

2010-06-01T03:09:00.002+01:00

This weekend we celebrated the birth of my husband's Mother. I am so thankful for all she did to raise my husband well. This weekend we celebrated her!

We started out our weekend with the Old Town Clovis Farmers Market. Mom Mills loves Old Town Clovis. We had a lot of fun- eating kettle corn, listening to live music, seeing which stand had the best cherries, watching Christian jump in the bounce house and ride a pony...we will definitely go again!

We gave her a few gifts each morning- most of which were activities to create memories while she was in Fresno

One of the gifts was a Bingo game- one of her favorites. We had a good time playing in the backyard and laughing at all the Dollar Tree prizes

She and Christian made a stepping stone for her garden, and when we see her again we'll have more time and will decorate the dog dishes we got for her dogs Cuddles and Mocha

We know Mom Mills loves to read- so we got her a book to relax with over the weekend

We had fish tacos- her favorite

And chocolate cake, her favorite of course

She ended the weekend with a bubble bath, something we know she loves to do

Very Happy Birthday to you, Mom Mills and Nana to our kids. We love you!

Family Fun- Sunflowers

2010-05-25T03:48:00.005+01:00

What better way to get these fun times going again than something cheerful and bright?

The past few days we've been focusing on sunflowers in more way than one!

Jason's been working hard getting the dirt in our backyard ready to be planted with all kinds of flowers and veggies and my favorite, sunflowers. We've planted our seeds in a greenhouse, and soon they'll be ready to transplant into our yard.

We did a sunflower craft

Some of us may have snacked on sunflower seeds during that craft...

We used that craft as part of our table decoration

We made and weatherproofed our seed signs

We wore our sunflower colors and enjoyed a very sunflowery meal

Tortellini and Chicken with a creamy pasta sauce that had sunflower seeds in it, bright shiny pineapple juice, and sunflower-colored butternut squash soup.

For dessert we had lemon sherbet. Mmmmmm...

Looking forward to when we have 5 feet tall sunflowers in our backyard!

Prone to Compare

2010-05-21T15:05:00.002+01:00

Isn't this a random picture? Seems as if our neighbor's white rose wanted to bloom on our side of the fence this time!

I went to this women's event a few months ago and the woman up front, as she welcomed us said something like, "Welcome, welcome, come on in! I know you've all just arrived and are sizing yourself up in here, seeing how you fit in..."

Isn't that the truth?

We can't help it, it seems.

But sometimes, we, I, go beyond- way beyond where I should, in "sizing myself up."

How do I compare? How clean is my house compared to hers? How good of a marriage to they have compared to ours? How well-behaved are her kids compared to mine? Do we parent similarly? Does she have dinner on the table every night? Does she look that put-together all the time? How in the heck does she keep her house that clean with kids? Does she struggle with food issues like me? Over eating or under eating? How is she toned- how does she have time to tone with kids? Or the motivation, even?

You know the story. Because if you're anything like me, in a moment of weakness, that is how I size myself up.

And do you know what the problem is? I'm usually comparing my worst with their best.

I compare their "bloom" to my bare yard, without seeing the thorns, roots, the dead petals on that same plant...

It's just plain not fair.

And I want to stop it.

Kate

2010-05-18T17:33:00.007+01:00

Kate is 15 Months! We are having a blast with this baby girl. She is Mama's girl and Daddy's girl, and Christian's little companion.

She weighs 25lbs, 6 oz, keeping her around the 75th % and growing out of her 18 month clothes!

She's a talker. She says about 40 words and has little conversations with us where of course we have no clue what she's saying. One of our favorites is when she's impressed with something and says, "Wow!" in a whisper tone. She did that when she went disk golfing with Jason and the guys when Brandon threw his first disk.

Her thighs are still amongst my favorite of every little part of her body, and tickling them still makes us both grin and laugh.

Yes, I am loving having a girl. After her bath every night we have a little girl time where I blow her hair dry and she's been practicing combing it herself, too.

At the park, she loves trying to climb up the slide. That keeps her occupied while Christian's playing. And wouldn't you just know it, the parks that we go to have "double slides" which has saved us several times- had to be a Mommy that designed that one!

She's been a really good sport during Christian's tball practices and games which are right at her bedtime and afternoon nap. As long as we have dried blueberries on hand, everything in her world is right.

I'm loving watching her put things together. When we go to put on her shoes she says, "buh bye," she says thank you when you hand her something, "all done" when she's done with her food, and "nigh night" when we put her in her crib.

Still nursing once a day. I thought she was done last week, but she seems to have found a whole renewed interest the past few days!

On Mother's Day I was in Bakersfield and she called me all on her own! I was spending the day with Mom and Emily (Kate had tonsillitis so she and Jason stayed behind)- my phone rang and it showed that Jason was calling. I picked up the phone and, silence. "Hello? Hello? Jason? Hello?" And then on the other end a very cheerful, "Hiiiiii!" And then more silence. Jason said he walked into the room and she had his phone up to her ear! Such a funny memory.

Speaking of phones-she loves them. Anything and everything is a phone up to her ear- lotion bottles, whatever.

Oh, how could I forget?? She started walking this month! She took a few steps on April fools day, but as it would turn out- that really was an April fools joke, because she didn't walk again until almost a month later! She still chooses to crawl most of the time.

She's been loving being outside, trying out new toys- riding in Christian's red car and scooting herself across the backyard in the rocket.

Her favorite foods right now are kidney beans and dried blueberries. Mmmmmm.

She's doing pretty well at her obedience and learning the word "no." Of course there are times when she does not obey, but for the most part when I say no, she'll stop in her tracks and stop. People laugh at my slapping her hand for taking her hair bows out, but I think those bows have actually been a good tool to teach her that Mommy means business when she says no!

Oh sweetheart, you are just a little gem to us. We love you so much!

Christian

2010-05-05T05:54:00.004+01:00

What is Christian up to? A lot! For one thing, he's almost 3 1/2.

We've been working on our alphabets a lot the past few weeks- yesterday as he was coloring a letter J I overheard him say, "J is for Jesus!" Love that.

He has had quite a month of testing- trying to get to the bottom of if he has a speech delay, and if so, get him into some speech therapy. It winds up his speech is right on track, but after the handful of evaluations he's had, they're considering selective mutism a big possibility. Basically, if he does have this, it describes a group of people with a serious anxiety disorder- one where, at the thought of speaking in public, they feel sick to their stomachs at times and literally cannot speak. I'm not so sure this is Christian, but we're following the steps necessary to help him out and find out. Love that buddy.

His favorite foods right now are apple sauce, strawberry nutri-grain bars, frozen peas (he actually prefers to eat them when they're frozen), and chocolate milk

I overheard him in the shower tonight playing make-believe, which is nothing new. But this time he had given each character their own voice. It was soooo funny hearing his voice fluctuate as he played each one.

We've been going to the park a lot lately, partly for me to see, if he gets comfortable in a certain environment, will he talk more? Actually, he was talking a lot to other kids the first out of about 10 days in a row we've been at the park now. One of the days it had rained earlier so we had great wet sand to make sand castles out of. He now lets me know I need to make sure to dig down to the wet sand to make a good castle!

Along with our park trips, we've been taking a few mile stroll beforehand and boy, has that been great for me. It feels so good to be moving around again after my very long (permanent?) break from P90X. It's been a great time to talk with Christian and see the same things every day. Every day he says hi to the water pump- asks how it's doing, he presses the pedestrian light, and we see how many snails we can count along our walk. And on very special days (so far, Fridays), Mommy stops at Starbucks to get a coffee.

He loves Kipper- a British cartoon. Oh, it is so funny hearing him pick up on British things here and there. Our Scottish friends would be proud. He actually comes to me and asks, "Mommy, can I watch Kippaaa?"

Praise the Lord, hallelujah, we can now go into public without a pull-up on. What a victory!

His favorite toys are his cars, trains, a rubbery frog he picked out at the store, and of course his monkeys. Oh, and anything new he's found to take apart and figure out how it works

Love this boy. So thankful to be his Mommy.

What's your dream car?

2010-05-01T15:41:00.003+01:00

We had this conversation on our way home from one of Mom's doctor's appointments in Santa Monica. Probably because of the cars in Santa Monica. What is your dream car? I now know Mom's, Emily's and Rod's. It's kind of fun to live in fantasyland every once in a while! Because in reality, I think I'd feel stuck up and completely impractical driving either of mine!

And yes, I do mean stuck up driving mine. I would completely lose the nerve had this thing just suddenly appeared on my driveway. I'm not sure what it is about it. And I don't like the newer round models. Has to be the square one, in black.

I could also go for this one, alongside my very modest mercedes GG550

Mom's dream car- white Jaguar

Emily's dream car- Toyota Sequoia

Rod's dream car- Mini Cooper

What's yours?

What kind of blog?

2010-04-30T03:00:00.002+01:00

I think I've hit some kind of a crossroads with my blog. A "blog crisis" I told a friend the other day (with a laugh, of course). = )

What all do I want to share on here?

We're good by the way. Nothing huge to be sharing. Just life in general.

But.

I want this blog to be a hobby. I have wanted that from the beginning. Definitely do not want it to turn into some discipline where I say with a groan..."ohhhhh, it's been sooooo looooong since I've updated my blog." No, do not want that.

I also don't want it to become geared only towards my kids' development, because in a weird kind of way I feel like it then becomes an underlying competition with all of us Mommy bloggers, "Guess with little Timmy is doing now?"

I felt a little hurt by some of the "in person" comments people made about my family fun nights that I'd shared about on here. Like I was trying to become an overachiever Mom or something.

And, this blog will never be "full disclosure" about personal things either- I have too much respect and dignity for my family to do that.

I'm not up for it only being, "look what our family did here!"

I want to actually write.

But usually when I have a blog forming in my mind it's from the heart, and frankly, I'm a little scared to share my heart here.

Hence the crossroads. Hence the blogging "pause" that's been going on.

I'm going to make an effort to step right back in, and talk about what I want to talk about. Not worry so much about what others are thinking. Just be Megan. Isn't that easier said than done? At least you know my new challenge for myself- my blog, anyway.

Happy Birthday Kate

2010-04-16T04:42:00.003+01:00

Just a tad big late (2 months).

Emotionally, I needed to put off this blog. There was just... a lot going on around her birthday and I think being in denial about her being 1 was the best thing for me at that point! = )

I had so much fun planning Kate's birthday. I had been thinking about this for months - the color scheme, decorations, treats, etc. How fun to have a Valentine's baby!

It was a very special weekend- family from Orange County and Bakersfield came to town for her baby dedication and birthday party- both on Sunday, Valentine's day.

The dedication was pretty amazing. How awesome it was sitting in church with both of our families. We felt supported and loved. And Kate had on the sweetest velvet polka dot outfit from Mom- complete with custom bow and shoes. Need a picture of that sweet outfit up close!

The party followed at our house

Kate checking out what Graham's having for lunch...

Unwrapping of gifts. My favorite part of this picture is Kate and her headband. How it's sloooowly making it's way off her head.

Happy Birthday to youuuuu...

The men in her life give her some pointers

A monumental moment...her first taste of Smith's cake

Cookies made by our very own professional- Mom, perfectly coordinated paper goods from Mom Mills, and decorating ideas from Michelle

Note to self. Raspberry lemonade is not a good color of pink. AT all.

Oh baby. Oh baby, oh baby. You are Mama's girl. Daddy's girl, and Christian's best friend. You are an angel and a princess. That's right, a princess. We love you!

He Stands

2010-04-16T01:56:00.002+01:00

You know when you're worshipping at church- a crowd of people sitting down, and then one person stands? Hands raised in the air, stands? They don't care what other people are thinking, or that there are 400 other people sitting down. They stand. They worship with abandonment.

I am married to one of those.

He stands.

And he kneels, when things are hard.

He'll share some frustrating news about whatever- the job search, unemployment, and I'll find him later kneeling. Talking to the one who can do something.

He worships.

I'll be well aware that he's having a hard day, and then hear his guitar and loud singing to our Lord from the living room.

He worships, when things are hard.

He leads by taking God's lead. And because of that I feel God's strong hand of protection over our family.

Christian starts tee-ball!

2010-04-14T05:48:00.002+01:00

Growing up in a family who was involved in all kinds of sports and activities, I find it really exciting to start this stage in our family's life. I have been so excited for Christian. And besides playing catch with Jason in the backyard and running around the house with his plastic bats, he had no idea what he was in for. Every time I'd mention 'Tee-ball," he'd say, "Table? Help Daddy move the table?" I have no idea where that came from. Not exactly like we have Christian helping move furniture around here!

It was just as cute as I'd imagined. The coaches are awesome and I love that parents are on the field at all times. It is a adorable, to say the least.

Thank you Papa and Gigi for Christian's tee-ball season!

Christian's very first time running to a base. Notice the coach yelling, "over here buddy, over here!"

"Yeah, you made it! High five!"

Christian, buddy, I am so thankful you're the one to usher us into years of standing on the sidelines cheering. We LOVE you-you're someone we're proud to cheer for!

What they're good at

2010-04-02T03:25:00.002+01:00

Kids of those in our Life Group, at our Easter egg hunt last night- ranging in age from 10 Months to 3

From the time I was little, I remember loving babies- loving kids. Loving taking care of babies and kids.

My first recollection is at the soccer field on a Saturday morning, watching my brother and sister play- I smiled at a baby nearby (I myself must have been about 3 or 4), my Mom said, "oh, she just loves babies"

And then babysitting began early. 13? 14? I started watching neighborhood kids, french braiding the hair of the little girls in the neighborhood. I loved it. I even had an overnight gig regularly when I was 14 or 15 with 3 kids.

And I was encouraged in it.

My parents encouraged me- they picked up on a passion I had. An energy that seemed to pop up when kids were around.

And then I moved to Scotland for the sole purpose of taking care of a family's kids who I grew to love while they settled in as missionaries. I knew I meant something in their lives, but I knew even more clearly that I was the one greatly blessed.

And it just hit me- this is partly why I feel so right about being a stay at home Mom. Never even dawned on me to do otherwise. And I play this role with confidence, because of all the little steps God had in place to prepare me for it.

I have been encouraged in this from the time I was little.

May Jason and I have great insight to raise our kids this way. To really know them. To pick up on their loves early in life. To encourage and help them develop their strengths. To see who God has made them to be and to have the discernment to know where to push and where to not.

What a great, big, blessed opportunity.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

2010-03-18T00:12:00.002Z

Christ be with me, Christ within me
Christ before me, Christ behind me
Christ beside me, Christ to win me

Christ to comfort and restore me
Christ beneath me, Christ above me
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger

Christ in hearts of all that love me
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger
-St. Patrick's Breastplate prayer

Kate is ONE!

2010-03-17T03:58:00.002Z

Not so interested in walking, but very interested in...Daddy!

It's crazy, she's down to 2 feeds a day, and when I started weaning her it was like a light switch- Daddy's girl! She cries when he leaves the room, lights up when he walks in the room, reaches for him. I love it- I've even heard him calling her princess.

We had our first few nights away from Christian and Kate while we went on a church retreat. There were only a few tears shed on my part, and she did great. Thank you Paynes!

She still loves her bananas and pb&j

She's talking more, "did it," and "up," are her newest words, and I swear she's been saying bubble bath, "bubbu baaaaa..."

We've been reading more- and she points to the things I do. Her favorite book is a Dwell Studio book Auntie Emily gave her - each page there's a different texture to feel.

Do you know, I say Kate is a Daddy's girl, but in actuality she's pretty attached to both of us. When I put her to bed at night she nestles her head into my shoulder and then pops up to grin at me and clap.

She's been "dancing" by shaking her head no. It is so funny. A song comes on and as we bop our heads side to side, she shakes her head no to the beat.

She learned how to use a straw cup

Oh, this girl is fun. All of my "she's one" woes have been put to rest by her silly and fun personality that continues to make us smile and laugh.

We love you, sweetie baby girl!

I said I wanted it...

2010-03-12T04:05:00.004Z

Intimacy in community.

Picture it. A living room. A few couples getting to know each other. Popcorn with peanut m&ms on the coffee table (mmmmm). A few candles. And then these assigned questions for our sermon discussion guide:

"On a scale of 1-10, rate the current state of intimacy in your marriage. How could you improve in this area?"

"What steps will you take to heat up the intimacy in your marriage? What steps would you suggest to your spouse?"

Silence.

Keep in mind this fully goes in line with the incredible series our pastor is doing right now on Song of Solomon.

And then someone breaks the ice, as the spouse squints in fear..."I'd rate ours....."

Yeah.

And you know what? It was so great. To get things out there. To talk. To be open, even in new friendships.

And so, I am thankful for transparency and healing conversation. Early in our friendships.

About the un talked about.

Where have I been?

2010-03-05T03:27:00.005Z

I like this picture for this post because I look tired (exhausted), but happy, but emotional...

I use the word roller coaster loosely, knowing that others have gone through MUCH, MUCH harder things than me recently- losing a baby, losing a husband...

Maybe mini roller coaster or kiddie ride would better describe it. I haven't been able to sit back enough to even write about it. Not so much the busy factor as much as the "getting it mentally together" factor.

There have been some tears these past few weeks. Starting when my baby girl turned one.

Planning her party was a blast, by the way. I was so happy with how it turned out.

Kate's baby dedication

Some concerns someone brought up about Christian which made me paranoid and insecure as a Mom (this person in no way meant to make me feel that way- but I'm human, right? We've had him checked out, and the professionals say he shows absolutely no red flags or abnormalities).

Completely and totally blessed by the childcare (preschool, more like it) Bible Study Fellowship provides. I teared up the first week when I dropped him off when the lady said, "Hi Christian! We've been so EXCITED to meet you!" They even had a little name tag laminated and ready for him. He belongs.

Oh, also another chest xray for Kate

Some hard conversations with loved ones- I am pretty good at avoiding, but God had been gently nudging me on some things.

Some of the happiest moments ever with my kids. Oh, I am seriously loving both stages they're in. If Christian's not making me laugh by something he says, Kate is making me laugh by the things she does and her big bright smile.

Also, Emily called a few weeks ago saying that my Mom's dr check-up wasn't so great, and that the oncologist had called a last minute appointment. 30 minutes later Jason had the kids and I had another good cry on my way to Bakersfield. We were told at that appointment that she most likely had leukemia or bone cancer.

Then Riley's birthday party in OC- so so cute.

The night before Riley's birthday party Kate started showing some concerning symptoms, so we spent from 11:30pm-6am in the ER (in my candycane pjs). By the time Kate was seen, she seemed pretty much back to herself, praise God.

In the midst of all this, I have been in awe at my sacrificial husband. Wow.

Beginning the process of weaning Kate. Holy hormones!

Sleepless nights, terrified we were going to lose Mom

Happy tears- Mom's further scans came back completely clear! She is cancer FREE!

In addition, having just started a Life group this month in our home, and also being a new attendee at Bible Study Fellowship, I am pretty sure there are some fierce spiritual battles going on around us!

Add all those together, if you're still even reading at this point...and add...

A Mama not reading her Bible a whole lot, totally skipping out on my exercise routine, throwing caution to the wind with my eating, watching tv shows I shouldn't be, and you've got one discouraged woman. Defeated, discouraged, and knowing I've got to make some changes- and make them fast.

Lies shattered

2010-02-12T04:05:00.004Z

I didn't see it coming, but boy, were some lies shattered in my life this past week. The tricky thing was, I didn't even realize I'd been believing these lies!

As we said goodbye to our Life group after our first night together last week, closed our front door behind the last couple to leave, and hugged - we both just sort of looked at each other like, "Wow. What did God just DO?" I mean, we have struggled with building community as a couple here in Fresno the 2 years we've lived here. No secret there. We've had friends move, friends who live way across town, childcare issues and sleep schedules, a Life group with people not really in our same Life stage, sick kids who kept us from being together at some of the things we were trying to do, small groups that were all men or all women, and then of course, Jason's ex and her husband wound up being in our last marriage group... = ) We've had some challenges at really going deep like we want to with other couples! And while we're at it, let me introduce some of our new friends (I don't think they'll mind since they have a blog- I'll use that one couple anyway) Jessica and Frank, kids almost the exact same ages as ours:

Going on week 2 of our Life Group, laughing and loving the company of these new friends of ours who, strangely, feel like old friends- I am thanking the Lord for breaking down the lies that, "I guess we're just not meant to have friends right now." and "After Scotland, you're kinda disqualified."

Completely different situation. Enter a baby shower invite and the realization that a few of my blog friends would be there. The friends that feel like real life friends. And quite actually, have been a big part of my "community" as we've been "real-life-community-LESS" They are talented, crafy, cute, fun, trendy, and beautiful, and...a little intimidating for me to meet! What if I just didn't fit, or they have so many inside jokes that I just feel left out?" Well. There were bear hugs and acceptance right off the bat. There were babies held that I'd just seen pictures of- having heard entire pregnancy journeys of multiple kids, since we lived in Scotland! They are just as beautiful as their pictures yes, but surprisingly, not intimidating. Another lie shattered, that I'm not quite good enough, cute enough, crafty enough, WHATEVER enough, to make some great new friends and fit. I did get to see some old friends too, but meet my newest "in person" friends. And while we're at it, let's not forget Juliet! Oh boy, I mean it- she is a BEAUTY! Just LOOK at her!

Not Ready

2010-02-09T13:51:00.004Z

I'm not quite ready for Kate to be one this week. Not ready to say "this is my one year old daughter Kate," not ready for her to move up in classes at church (she won't anyway until she's walking- whew), not ready for our sweet alone nursing times to decrease little by little. Not ready.

But I also wasn't ready to move to Scotland. Standing there at the bottom of the LAX escalator saying goodbye to my boyfriend Jason, never having been anywhere further than my one other flight to Michigan. I wasn't ready.

I wasn't ready to leave the church who built me up and helped me believe I could be a leader, to go into missions instead.

I wasn't ready to coach women older than me, with more life experience, confidence, and kids than me.

I wasn't ready to start getting my butt out of bed to exercise when Kate was tiny

I definitely was not ready to live in a different city from my family when I moved out of town the first time (still not ready for that one).

I wasn't ready to nanny three kids ages three and under

But the things that happen in the "not ready"- the growth, the clinging to God, the way He reminds me that He is God, the realization that I so desperately need a Savior...

Sometimes it's in the "not readys" that I'm probably the most ready.

Kate is 11 Months

2010-01-31T03:10:00.003Z

This has been quite a roller coaster month for our little Ms. We started out the month back to church as a family (no runny noses, we were in the clear!)- wooHOOO! We went twice a row as a family. Kate did great in the nursery, and Christian loves his new 3-year-old class.

And then the coughing started. And then I'm sure you know the rest of the story, because from the sounds of it everyone we know has had this. It progressed, and within a 6 day span we had 3 doctor's appointments and a hospital visit for a (very unpleasant) chest xray for Kate. We're still waiting to hear if she has pneumonia. Poor thing. She's been really good at allowing me to administer the inhaler to her though through an awkward mask.

On the bright side- she seems to be feeling much much better just this weekend, just in time for her first birthday right around the corner.

I think I've laughed more with her than I ever have before this past month. She thinks nursing is pretty funny lately- laughing and looking up at me (the fact that I can't resist her thighs could have something to do with it).

There are certain things that make this pretty girl laugh hysterically- a raspy, low, sweet baby girl laugh. When Daddy comes out of the bedroom (he works from home), when we get Christian up from his nap, and when I open her bedroom curtains in the morning.

She's started initiating peek-a-boo in a really funny way. She'll go into her bedroom or the bathroom and use that little springy thing on the bottom of the door to open and close it, and laugh hysterically every time she sees me.

I have said several times that Christian is our sweetheart and Kate is our silly one.

She gets frantic when I start getting her food ready. Frantic to eat, right away.

Weighs 21lbs, 14oz, which keeps her in the 60th %

Yeah. I'm pretty much in denial that she's going to be a year so soon. Good thing I don't have to go there quite yet. I'll just sign off with...YOU MAKE US SO HAPPY BABY GIRL!!!

I just like them

2010-01-26T21:19:00.002Z

There's this family - a blog I read, that has really ministered to me. They are who I got the family fun night idea from, and have fanned the flame I have for adoption. If you have a second, let this family minister to you through these videos. The first one is the husband sharing about his ministry, and the second, a video of them picking up the son they adopted from Korea. W-O-W. Let me know if you can keep a dry eye on that second one. I am (emotionally) ready to adopt a Haitian baby right now, so I better not watch it again!

Kitchen chair makeover

2010-01-22T03:38:00.010Z

I love this table and chairs set. They were given to us when we moved back and fit perfectly in our apartment at the time. Now they fit perfectly in our kitchen nook, and really are where we do most of our eating. When we received them they were beautifully recovered but didn't match our house, so I recovered them. Loved the check fabric, but did not love that within the first week they already were stained.

Hence the chair makeover!

Here's my little helper, helping with the first step- taking off the cushions

Cushions off and ready to be recovered

My very professional and high- tech tools- a butter knife and kitchen scissors to get the hideously dirty fabric off. Christian helped make sure every staple made it's way into the trash.

Have I mentioned that my Father-in-law owns a custom drapery business? He custom ordered and gave me this fabric to re-do our chairs with! I decided to use a clear matte vinyl ($3.99/yd) on top this time, and to be honest- that stuff is not easy to work with. I used a staple gun to attach the fabric.

One down, 4 to go

I did recruit Jason's help to re cut the wood for one of the seats. Our big ol' butts busted the particle board that was on one of the chairs

I went ahead and drilled new holes- no use scavenging for the old ones through all that fabric and vinyl

Finished chair!

I decided to redo our media center chair too, without vinyl (I ran out).

Loving our new "area"- thank you Richard for the fabric!

The same Bible

2010-01-20T15:29:00.003Z

Early in our dating relationship, we were babysitting the McDonald kids and I noticed a certain Bible they had. Not just any Bible- the same Bible my Mom read to me out of every night. The Bible in Pictures for Little Eyes. It was neat to see that they were using the same one! Jason came around the corner, "Hey, that's the same Bible I had when I was little!" His Mom had been reading to him out of the same one, too.

It wasn't just a casual a book for either one of us- our Moms had been dedicated to teaching us about our Savior out of that book. I credit my Mom's regularity, Sunday school, prayer, and that Bible to the fact that when I was three, I still remember standing in my parents' bedroom doorway, asking her how I could have Jesus in my heart. It is one of my earliest memories, and I'm thankful to have it!

A few months ago I began looking for a 3-year old curriculum online and loved what I could see of this certain one. Guess what Bible they use as a guide for that portion of their curriculum? Yep, the very one Jason and I were read out of- the new one that Christian received from my Mom. I love how God works.

And it's powerful, teaching him out of this same Bible- I remember those pictures. Oh Lord, please help him come to know you as early as possible!

Family fun- Bubbles

2010-01-19T06:41:00.002Z

In honor of Bubble Bath day on January 8, we had Bubble day!

We made the eating area as bubbly as possible- each person got their own set of bubbles

Christian was so excited when he came out that morning- check out his face

The bubbles were played with right away

There was a gift waiting to be opened...

Which was used very soon after!

We played with the Bubble gum machine

Christian focused hard on popping the bubbles in the bubble wrap

And played in some bubbly dish water

For dinner we had Bubble Pizza

And listened to Jack Johnson's Bubble Toes

All around, a very bubbly day!

Breastfeeding

2010-01-15T03:41:00.007Z

I knew I was going to breastfeed Christian. There were no questions about it. I had been given a bottle as a gift before he was even born and later smirked at it like, "uh huh...riiight."

The story went something like this. "I must breast feed. I must. I must. I must." So when Christian started out his life with me in the ICU, ivs everywhere, latching was, to say the least, a challenge. I so desperately wanted to get it right that I kept asking the midwife, "am I doing this right?" "Yes hon," she answered. "They'll work with you more on that tomorrow in the recovery ward." Well, tomorrow came. And they were already sore. That next night in the recovery ward, I pressed the midwife button every hour to have them come in and make sure I was nursing him right. Christian cried all night, and the next day I was miserable. Sore. Defeated. And really wanting the hand iv that was making it so difficult to latch correctly, OUT. A week later, the thought of breastfeeding made my eyes well up with tears. It was toe-curling pain, literally. I think I woke up Jason crying one night while nursing. Luckily Scotland does midwife home visits for 10 days straight for first time Moms! Can you believe that?? 10 days straight! On about day 6 after Christian was born, the midwife, per my request took a look at my nipples, gasped, and classified them as "traumatized." "You are going to have to take a break. He's getting blood with that milk"

That was all my heart was aching to hear. I was ridden with guilt for even feeling this way. "How do so many women do this?" I questioned. I later learned that losing 2 liters of blood was probably a big culprit to my milk being so late at coming in.

So I drowned out my disappointment by "guilt pumping." Yes, guilt pumping. I'm talking, pumping every 2-3 hours. Dragging my pump around town. Pumping at friends' houses. Pumping in public bathrooms, setting my alarm to pump at 2am. It was crazy. I even kept a spreadsheet of how many ounces I was getting each and every time, to prove to myself that I was keeping my supply up.

I needed something about this whole "not breastfeeding" chapter in my life. I needed to be able to make a hard decision and say, "gosh darnit, it's ok. I'm ok. Even though I feel that I've disappointed everyone around me, I'm actually OK!" I needed to realize early on that my ideal expectations would not always be met. That, no matter that I had been a nanny for years prior, it was way, and I repeat way, different having my own. I also needed to be able to look back on that chapter and, as sad as it is, realize that I chose ministry over my son many times in that season. I knew it would be more convenient to bottle feed instead of counsel young women while breastfeeding. I didn't want to be sitting in our staff meetings (all men, except me) breastfeeding. I felt confident in my "Megan the ministry woman" hat, but not my "Mom" hat, at that time. And the time and energy spent in ministry that year reflects that.

Enter, 2nd breastfeeding opportunity.

It worked. And do you know why I think it worked for me personally, round 2? I was ready to be fully and 100%, a Mother. I thought I was ready for that commitment with Christian, but I was still tied to, "no, I can do it all!"

With Kate, I think God blessed my surrender and the fact that my attention was undivided.

And I'm not done nursing. Don't know when I will be and honestly, am trying not to think about the sad day that I do wean. I love it. Kate loves it. It's way more convenient. It's a built-in "slow-down." And I'm sure you know all the other benefits.

And actually, it's interesting looking back on it. The UK was more pro-breastfeeding. Women breastfeed in public all the time. In fact, a friend of mine took one look at my hooter-hider (that I use in public now) and said, "you're going to get laughed at if you use that." They didn't allow pacifiers in the hospital. And yet, I bottle fed. Here, we were given a pacifier in the hospital, and Kate was given her only bottle of formula without asking my permission, not even an hour after birth (something about low blood sugar. I don't buy it). And yet, I am breastfeeding.

Interesting how bottle and breast have been empowering in their own ways.

Kate is 10 Months!

2010-01-09T05:11:00.002Z

This baby girl is cutting teeth- 4 molars. Most days you wouldn't even know it. And I thought it seemed pretty early, only to find out that our pediatrician, 10 years into her trade, has never seen them come in this early. I got mine early too I think I remember my Mom saying. Anyway, so 4 new huge teeth are in!

Cruising and holding onto furniture with one hand

A best friend for life in Christian. Her interest in him continues to grow, and so does her volume when she sees him. It is hysterical and heartwarming

Blessed us again with yet another great sleeping spree at Nana and Papa's while we stayed there for 2 weeks.

Weighs 21lbs, 6 oz as of a few days ago- which puts her between the 50th-75th% for her age

Still breastfeeding several times a day. And it's with hesitancy that I share that she's never had formula- except that bottle they gave her right when she was born because of low blood sugar. This is a whole post in itself. I, for the most part, formula fed Christian-nothing against it whatsoever.

She's a good eater. She's definitely into finger foods. Her favorites are bits of bread and these yogurt melt things

Met Santa Clause with Christian- they both sat happily on his lap. You just never know how it's gonna go!

Speaking of Santa, she had her first Christmas! Such sweet memories.

Grew out of her infant carrier length-wise and is into a big girl car seat

Bangs toys together- I think she'll be clapping soon!

Still, it's one of my favorite, heart-fills-with-excitement (so much so that I want to go wake her up at times- and did the other morning, bad idea) times of day when she wakes up in the morning. She nurses, I stoke her hair and face, we say, "dadadadada" to each other, and I get her dressed (usually pink) while I relentlessly tickle her lovable thighs.

We've started a little game of "chase"- she crawls as fast as she can, squawks as she looks back and sees me, giggles, crawls some more...oh, this life is fun.

Yep. I love being a Mom.

Real Life, Part II

2010-01-07T18:10:00.003Z

First time using my new diaper bag. This is the second PPB bag my Mom has gifted me with- the first one in boy colors for Christian, and this new one in girl colors. She hadn't seen it in person yet, so as Kate and I were waiting at the doctors office I sent off a picture. They match!

No words for this one- just, I'm a lucky, lucky, very blessed woman

Kate laughs hysterically at Christian as he jumps on his bed

One of Christian's birthday gifts from Papa and Gigi- he loves these things. For a few days, he had to have all 3 of them with him at all times

This is what a lot of our pictures look like, now that Christian has mastered, "Cheeeeese!"

Jason prefers colored lights- when they moved neighborhoods during his "tween" years, all the houses had white lights instead of colored lights. He thought it was stuck-up and bit too sophisticated. So colored lights it is! It's kind of fun seeing Christmas lights a whole new way. And Mom blessed us with this gorgeous artificial tree with colored lights that will be enjoyed for years to come!

I inherited this precious and really cool nativity that my Grandpa painted- and unwrapped it probably for the first time since my Grandma wrapped it up, years ago. It was emotional. Each piece was wrapped in a napkin, and then in a Los Osos newspaper page. I pictured her doing that all so carefully, year after year.

We also inherited a beautiful table, chairs, and china cabinet! These were a gift from a family friend who I'd never met. She just knew we'd enjoy and use them, from what she'd heard of us. I was a little nervous, to be honest. My brother-in-law who had the stomach flu, along with my Mother-in-law went to pick these up in Huntington beach I believe- not an easy task. They were in a storage unit that was upstairs. My Father-in-law drove them all the way up to Fresno. I had better like them- ya get the drift? Yeah. I l LOVE them, down to the vintage cushions.

One of my new friends in Fresno's baby was dedicated- her and Kate are only a week apart in age. It was THE sweetest thing. When the pastor mentioned something about free babysitting, their 3 year old son gave a big thumbs up. = )

"Do I have anything in my teeth?"

Baby girl had to have her eyes on Mommy during our walk

Someone fell asleep during our drive to church

Kate learned that if you shake the clothes rack, some satisfying noise results

This was a while ago- we were on our way to get her chest xrayed at the hospital

I was standing in line at Michaels here- sent a photo to my Mom of all these M&Ms- we used these as our wedding favors

Kate's very first time in her new crib from Grandma

This was also a while ago- our very first Apple Toddler order

Real Life

2010-01-07T04:10:00.004Z

Life just happens, doesn't it? Whether or not the good camera is handy, or the point-and-shoot has charged batteries. I take pictures with my phone throughout the day quite a bit of silly things and email them to my Mom and sister. They're definitely not posed or good quality, but it's real life.

I took this one on my way in from running some errands the other night. I took one look through that window and was filled with thankfulness

Juliet Noelle, Barbie's baby, is here! Such great news! I was smiling from ear to ear when I heard and sharing the news with people who have never even met Barbie. SO excited.

We went to Babies-R-Us and woahhhh buddy. Jay Jay the Jet-Plane, positioned right at the entrance, sort of ruined our trip. So cute watching how much he loved playing on him though- we'll use our gift card another day.

This is one huge benefit of being out-of-towners. We get to live with our parents when we see them. Nothing like the late nights and early mornings together in PJs. We were watching the Rose Parade here with Dad Mills.

My Mom ordered these awesome poof-ball headbands for Kate in white and pink, and I've pretty much had them on her every chance I get

See?

This was on Christmas day. We were about an hour into our trip to OC a few days before Christmas when Jason said to Christian in the back of the van, "why don't you get your Monkey, buddy?" And it dawned on me. WE FORGOT MONKEY! Not only did we forget both Monkey #1 and backup Monkey #2, but we also forgot his special blanket, AND Kate's special blanket! I seriously felt my eyes well up with tears. And nausea. I am not kidding. I felt sick to my stomach. Not so much at the fear that they wouldn't do ok- but how could I forget my kids' special things? I almost wrote about it on facebook but quickly recounted knowing that one sarcastic response would put me over the edge. Oh, we had to stop. And pick out a special toy. It would be our one saving grace. So we stopped, in Bakersfield, at the VONS right off the freeway. Terrible place to go for a stuffed animal, but it had to be quick. We were already going to be running into 5pm traffic (it was bad, our trip took 8 hours I believe). So, the story of this ugly, generic, "Scout" he's sleeping with (I'm sorry if you have Scout).

This was the morning after our 8 hour journey- we spent a really fun morning meeting Santa Clause at Aaron and Mindy's and Kate missed her morning nap. Mindy said, "Oh, I bet she'll be asleep on your way home"- yep, she was right!

Gift storage when there's a crawling baby around (I did unload those gifts more than once to soak in there)

My Dad and Georgia gave us this awesome pre-made gingerbread house, perfect for a preschooler. Just add frosting and candy. I was disappointed that I hadn't made a family night out of this like I'd hoped, so the night before we were heading to OC, when I really needed to be packing and wrapping a multitude of gifts- there we sat, lining up candies on wet frosting. I am so glad we did this. It's not perfect, or pretty. But we had a great time together doing it.

This is not posed, not even one bit. Jason is so good at reading his Bible pretty much daily, and in front of our kids. I saw Christian looking for my Bible, and when he found it he plopped right down next to Daddy to "read"

We have a happy home

Very excited about this stroller- I did a lot of saving in order to get it. It can be a single, a double, and the wheel locks into place to become a jogger. So happy with it.

On Christian's actual birthday Jason made us a special breakfast and we sang to him

Christian loves this bottle! Loves it. My Mom gave me a lot of her really nice hair products when her hair fell out during chemo, and this is one of them. A conditioner bottle with sentimental value- who knew?

...More "real life" coming soon- just could not put you through looking at all of them at once!

Boast in Weakness

2009-12-21T02:34:00.002Z

I had just delivered Christian when things got a little strange. Just when I started to think, "I did it! I did it! I DID IT!" - I looked around and saw worried midwives and doctors flooding into our room. I also saw the look on Jason's face and realized, something was wrong.

Jason was shoved out of the delivery room with Christian, who still had a dangling umbilical cord.

I was rushed to the O.R.

And there we were. Separately living a little bit of a nightmare- he not sure I was going to make it, and me not sure what my son looked like and why they were being so cryptic about what was happening.

But things turned out for the best- thank you Lord- and about three hours later we were in ICU together- face to face, alone, with our son.

And in that place we started our journey of parenthood.

Looking back on it, I'm glad we started out of a place of thankfulness, desperation, weakness.

..."'my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

Happy 3rd Birthday Christian!

2009-12-17T05:01:00.005Z

Three years ago today, you started reminding us every day of the important things.

We are going to do our best in daily reminding you of who you are in Christ.

Oh, you are something special.

You are God's child

You were bought with a price

You have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ

You are free from condemnation

You are greatly loved by God

You are God's workmanship

You may approach God with freedom and confidence

Oh, there is so much to learn- so much to be excited about all over again with you as you get it- it's the greatest act of love we could ever show you- pointing you to Him.

We sure do love you buddy. Happy Birthday!

Kate is 9 Months

2009-11-30T05:14:00.003Z

She has 8 teeth now- just noticed she got two more bottom ones yesterday.

She says "Mama, Daddy, Dada, Baba" - and she says them LOUD

Some of my favorite things about Kate this month are the silly things. She'll be nursing and pop off just to say "MAMA!" as loud as she can. So shocking coming from such a tiny little body- and so sweet that she clearly has made that connection!

She started pulling up about a month ago.

Loving her bath time. When I turn the water on she frantically crawls over to me as if to say, "help me get IN there!"

She's a great eater- loves meat even.

A special gift was her amazing sleep on our trip to Cayucos. It was about as loud as it gets in that beach house, and she slept, amazingly. Thank you Lord.

Her mouth and chin always seem to be wet- and she gives big wet kisses with those lips. There is no hope of keeping any makeup on around here with that kind of affection!

Her favorite toys right now are this blood pressure thing that came in a dr set of Christian's, and Christian's gum ball machine

You are a blessing to me and everyone in our family, Kate. Your little self is so refreshing and easy and we have grown to love more each month, if that's possible.

Her Eyelashes

2009-11-29T05:06:00.002Z

You would have never known my Mom had cancer just by looking at her

Her wig was the perfect color, style, and it just fit her.

Her skin, oh- her skin. What they don't tell you is that chemo does wonders for it (her skin was amazing in the first place- can't count how many times people have asked if we're sisters).

But when you really talked to her- and I mean really, really had a chance to sit down with her...

You would have seen the sadness

The struggle with nausea

The exhaustion from cycle after cycle of chemo, resulting in blood transfusion after blood transfusion

The fear

The fact that she had no eyelashes.

Today she has eyelashes, and I was reminded of that in church the other day when I glanced her direction.

She has eyelashes.

Not a lot of people get close enough to really know what's going on, you know?

But she is one of those in my life, and I am thankful to be one in hers

Each picture has a hundred thankful stories

2009-11-29T01:26:00.002Z

I love this picture.

Real live kids that my sister and I dreamt of having when we were little - playing with each other!

A table given to us with no hesitation when we moved back from Scotland

A "table cloth" that's a symbol of just how me I can be with my family- imperfections and all.

Patio furniture that I found in a dumpster and hauled back to our apartment with the mustang- 4 trips to get all 4 of them. God giving me things in the most creative of ways.

Christian wearing an entire outfit- socks and all, given by a friend with really good taste. A closet full of clothes given to him.

Carpet that I sat on, admiring it and the home around it, with no clue that months later I'd be living here.

Every photo has a hundred thankful stories behind it.

"Let them give thanks to the Lord for His unfailing love." -Psalm 107:21

Cayucos

2009-11-24T17:08:00.006Z

Last night we returned home from our annual trip to Cayucos with two tired babies from a weekend of bliss with their Papa and Gigi, cousins, Auntie and Uncle, and us of course!

Every year there is a beach house awaiting our arrival. We look forward to memories made, long chats on the couch with hot chocolate while the husbands tend to the babies ;), belly laughs and wrestling with Papa, 2 block walks to the beach, monarchs flying overhead as we sit on the deck watching the ocean (and sneeze our heads off from all the cats living in the area), mornings in our pjs together...it is something we look forward to all year. Living together.

It's where we get to really see each other. It's not rushed, it's never perfect, and it never feels right leaving when the weekend's over!

Cayucos '07

Cayucos '08

My sister and her family, who also happen to be some of our best friends

Our first trip to the central coast as a family of four

A little boy growing up right before my eyes

A Papa making the most of every moment with his Grandkids

A drive through the Paso Robles vineyards that leaves you speechless

A sister who I have much to learn from

Cayucos at sunset, just a few minute walk from where we sleep at night

A husband who sees the important moments clearly

Blatant reminders that I feel like the luckiest woman alive

A treat of a weekend, given to us by my Dad and his wife Georgia

There's nothing quite like watching your kids play with your parents

2009-11-24T02:41:00.000Z

2009-11-14T13:45:00.003Z

This week I've been in some kind of a funk. And I finally, finally went to the source of LIFE the other night. This is, lately, something I rarely do. I too often try to fix things on my own. Or I'll make realizations AFTER the fact. But this week, I cozied up in bed with a candle lit at the bedside table, my Bible, and a devotional book I've been meaning to get to for a while.

And I got a little talking to from Mrs. Cowman:

"Go back to thy garden-plot, sweetheart!
Go back till the evening falls,
And bind thy lilies and train thy vines,
Till for thee the Master calls

Go make thy garden fair as thou canst,
Thou workest never alone;
Perhaps he whose plot is next to thine
Will see it and mend his own."
- Mrs Charles E. Cowman in Streams in the Desert

Thank you, I needed that!

Operation: Sleep well away from home

2009-11-12T13:49:00.007Z

It's no secret that I'm a little passionate about sleep. My kids' sleep, in particular (who isn't?). It's important to me for several reasons- top of my list being: we as parents get down time when they're asleep and are better equipped for when they're awake, they are more alert and ready to learn and absorb after good day and night sleep, they're more fun to be around, and therefore- WE are more fun to be around. Especially on trips away from home when our whole point is to soak up as much good time as we can with family and friends we rarely get to see!

I want to be able to laugh as loudly as we please with family and not clinch my teeth in frustration at barking dogs, car alarms and loud phone rings...while having 2 babies, ages 2 and under with us!

Standing on top of a dresser at the Mills' (Jason's parents) attaching a blanket close to the ceiling was the point that I realized, maybe this isn't so normal!

There have been the good ol' standbys-

bringing a very bulky and loud bedroom fan with us because it was what Christian was used to

And we wouldn't dream of making an overnight trip without monkey or their favorite blankets. And definitely, when Christian was using a pacifier- we had probably 2 or 3 backups with us, along with his very favorite one.

We have tried the "fuzz" sound of an alarm clock in their rooms, but that backfired when it tuned in, and tuned in LOUDLY.

We've used the other side of the monitor's fuzz as whilte noise

Our past few trips I think I've entered a whole new level of "operation: sleep well away from home," as I've come armed with thick blankets to cover the windows. It's the first thing I do when we arrive (and it has REALLY helped, specifically with day sleep).

The white noise app on my phone (I learned the hard way to turn the ringer OFF when trying this method)

And the kids aren't the only ones who need their sleep while we're away- I have my little "kit" of things too!

Earplugs

An alarm clock (throws me off to wake up in the middle of the night and not know what time it is)

And, having started an ongoing travel list that I go back to every time we make a trip. Something about knowing we didn't forget anything helps me to sleep better!

Kate is 8 Months

2009-11-09T21:41:00.011Z

I can't even believe I'm typing this, but Kate is 8 Months

She is sleeping again, through the night. I can't believe I'm typing that either (knock on wood).

She is upping her crawling speed and pulling herself up to her knees

She is eating, and eating, and eating- she loves her solids!

She weighs 19lbs, 14oz- which puts her in the 50th % for weight

She is 29 inches long, which puts her in the 95th % for height

She flaps her arms and squawks when we head toward Christian's room she sure LOVES her brother

She loves "T." More specifically, she loves to say "Tuhhh!" over and over. We say it back and forth to each other for a good few minutes after she nurses each morning and it gets us both laughing for some reason.

Kate has 6 teeth. We're having a little breather from teething I think- she's had these 6 for a month or so

For the first time in 5 weeks she does not have a runny nose, bronchitis, or a mysterious rash all over, and she's been back in the church nursery. Also, I sat through maybe my 2nd service without being paged (I love that she's a Mama's girl- actually I get a little concerned when they DON'T page me).

She's a real good sport with all the bows, dresses, boas...

"Mamamamama," "Dadadadadada"- music to our ears!

She is still a finger-sucker. She started this thing where after nursing her, I'll walk over to her crib and she'll suck on her fingers and rest her head on my shoulder. This precious time has prompted me to pray for her- I have such an overwhelming sense of joy, peace and thankfulness for this little girl.

Baby Kate, my prayer for you is that you would someday grasp how wide and long and high and deep the Father's love for you is! Ephesians 3:18

Apple Toddler is on Etsy and Ebay!

2009-11-08T16:24:00.002Z

Apple Toddler is spreading it's wings and getting out there- we're now on

Etsy

AND

Ebay

Whirlwind trip to Orange County

2009-11-07T16:32:00.006Z

This past week we took a whirlwind trip to Orange County.

Halloween was a hoot. We had dinner and dessert with good friends and family, and trick-or-treated around the parents' neighborhood. Kate slept through the entire evening's festivities- good thing I had dressed her up prior to Halloween night!

Kate was a banana...

Christian was a monkey...

We bowled and went out for frozen yogurt for Jason's birthday...

We celebrated this pretty lady's (my sister-in-law Mindy's) baby girl who is due very soon

We saw Christian's Great-Grandpa

We got to spend some time with this sweet family (whose boys are almost the same ages as our 2)

And this family, and their super cute son Lynk

Our babies got some precious time with their Nana and Grandpa - who worked very hard to make their home perfectly crawling-baby friendly (time for an updated picture!)

Christian got lots of time with his cousin RiWeee

And lots of wrestling time with Aaron (aka Dunkle Aaron/Steve)

Mom and Emily made the trip down for Mindy's baby shower- what a fun afternoon with them for coffee beforehand. And a treat having my two worlds come together like that!

We ate out at some amazing places

There was also a pizza party, a coffee-morning for the Mills men, a disk golf morning for Jason, a play date at the park, fresh grilled fish for dinners, catching up with friends at church, and Jason had a 2-day job. Phew! Fun, but packed!

Apple Toddler Boy set!

2009-10-26T13:54:00.003Z

Oh, I am EXCITED about the boy monthly onesies- check them out.

Family fun- Jason day!

2009-10-25T13:27:00.004Z

In honor of Jason's birthday which is coming up very soon, we had "Jason" day this week!

Christian and Kate dressed up in Daddy's clothes (Kate's wearing his socks)...

The countdown until Jason's birthday continued...

I made this centerpiece out of things I found in the kitchen, and pictures of Jason, of course

For dinner we had some of Jason's favorites- slow cooked pork roast, garlic bread, yams, and one of my favorites- broccoli salad. Oh- looks like Jason's mystery wife makes an entrance to dinner (we had a good laugh at this one, I was trying not to cover up the 'Happy Birthday' sign)!

We gave Jason our gift- a Yosemite adventure, staying in housekeeping camp where his family used to stay (canvas tents with beds). I LOVE hearing Jason talk about his childhood memories in Yosemite- now we'll get to experience it with him in his favorite way.

We had imitation chocolate malted crunch, Jason's favorite (oops- imitation won't do! We'll need to have the real thing, REAL soon).

After the babies went to bed we watched Groundhog Day, one of Jason's favorite movies. Oh, and this is how we watch TV and movies. We've spent many hours together this way!

Happy Birthday Jason- you are pretty loved around here!

He sure makes change pretty, doesn't He?

2009-10-20T19:43:00.003+01:00

I love how in this picture there's looming gray in the background- framing the obvious BEAUTY of this house that almost doesn't look real.

Isn't that the way?

A gloomy situation, with bright spots?

The most obvious to me is when we move.

Awwww, I'll miss this top flat view (Airlie Street). AWWWW...but I'll have a garden at the other one (Wilton)!

We'll lose a bedroom when we move (Queensborough). But that AWESOME bathroom in the new place- wow (the one prior had a mirrored shower LOL).

I'll miss the neighbors in this apartment complex. But Christian will get a backyard in our new house!

Moving from California to Glasgow- leaving family and the boyfriend that I hoped would someday be my husband (we were engaged 3 months later). Ohhhh, but SCOTLAND. If Scotland doesn't encompass beauty all around, I don't know where does. Who would pass up that opportunity?

When autumn would come in Glasgow it felt like a very sad time to me. Soon, there would be looooong, DARK days. No more gorgeous green leaves. Bare branches, cold hands, and wet feet to come...ALLLLL winter long.

But the leaves! The reds, yellows, oranges- soooo gorgeous.

Just thinking today about how good it is of God to soften the blow of change with beauty and good along the way.

Family fun day - Gardening

2009-10-19T05:34:00.003+01:00

Jason ordered some bulbs from Holland, so we had a gardening day and planted them!

We all wore our green...

Jason and Christian dug and dug and dug...

I got to make a plan for where the bulbs would go...blues and yellows over here, reds and purples over there...

We had garden salads for lunch, and the good ol' worm in the dirt dessert

Somewhere during the day a string of ladybugs snuck in (thanks for the spontaneous flowers that went with our theme, Jason!)...

And when it cooled off some, we planted the bulbs

A fun day with my two favorite men, and my favorite little lady!

What we've learned

2009-10-17T15:16:00.002+01:00

I am 30 now.

And I like it. Some of my biggest dreams have come true in the past 10 years.

I had this silly thought

"What if our Moms wrote monthly 'updates' on us like we do our babies? Or even yearly ones? hahaha"

I had a good laugh inside about that one.

They'd highlight, I think, some of the things God's done in us the past 10 years that He's going to use our entire adult lives to bless others:

"learned how to cook for tons of people for a ministry event"

"learned how to host people- how to prep the house, prep the bedrooms, work as a team with her husband so they could both be smiling once the guests arrived"

"learned how to breast feed (and formula feed)"

"learned how to get dinner ready and eat at the table despite it's challenges with 2 little ones"

"'learned' how to give birth vaginally and through c-section"

"learned how to burp a baby, get by on little sleep, potty train, change multiple diapers a day..."

"learned how to give when she didn't feel like it. And ask her help when she needed it."

"learned how to live overseas, how to raise support, how to interact with people who aren't real fans of Americans"

"learned how to move multiple times and rely on God instead of digging heals in"

I know God has taught you all the same things and more. We've learned a lot between 20-30. I love the significance of Him teaching us how to SERVE during this time.

Family fun DAY- Pumpkins

2009-10-12T05:44:00.002+01:00

Sure, we already had a "fall" family fun night, but we've gotta squeeze out as much "fall" as possible...so on to pumpkin day it is!

We went to the pumpkin patch...Kate's first time

Learned that almost-three-year-olds are very uninterested in pumpkins, and very interested in carnival rides

Also learned that I'm glad I have a husband who I'm a team with. It was actually a terrible pumpkin-patch experience (carnival rides at entrance- which we went on+hungry+past nap time+hot+boring pumpkins)- yet we were able to get in the van, take deep breaths, and laugh about it.

Pumpkins at home are probably more our speed! We set up our pumpkin table...

Pumpkin muffins with pumpkin butter were consumed

We made a pumpkin countdown for how many days there are until Christian gets to dress up like a monkey! It turned out to be WAY taller than I thought!

We put together pumpkin treats for certain someones who are coming to visit

And it must not be forgotten that we had our pumpkin spice candle lit! All in all, a very pumpkiney day with some fun memories made!

"God is Good" struggles

2009-10-10T03:59:00.005+01:00

I've been thinking about this for a while. Starting with waking up in the middle of the night (months ago) worried sick about if my Mom would be able to fight this 3rd battle with cancer. This time, stage 4.

God really is good. He is good, despite circumstances.

When we go to an appointment to hear test results, it's the lingering time the night before- when all the symptoms seem strange, and we're waiting. Wait to hear, really, if it's spread. What if it has? God is still good.

Which is why I've held my tongue from saying, "God is so GOOD, her tests are clear!"

God IS good though, of course!

And her tests ARE clear! VERY clear (I say that with tears in my eyes I'm so happy).

But what if they weren't clear?

What about the family who lost their baby who was Kate's age, during a normal morning nap time?

What about the several children who probably died of cancer, today even?

Were their families able to boast that God was good?

I struggle especially hearing others share their medical praises in the same sentence as "God is so good!" when we're lingering, waiting to hear about Mom's results. So maybe it's just my "stuff."

I don't know. I just can't bring myself to sing the health praises in the same sentence as "God is so good!"

I should, I know. It is His mercy that carries us through the day. And it will be His mercy to carry us through any of life's greatest tragedies.

God is so good.

Monthly Onesies for sale!

2009-10-07T03:49:00.005+01:00

You know the onesies Emily has been making for Kate? And the bows I've been making to match them? Jason and I have started a little side business called Apple Toddler selling them! We are excited. We've spent the past few months buying the right equipment, testing onesies, washing onesies, trying out all different kinds of different inks, dye, pigment, practicing bows, practicing bows made out of different ribbon, making a website, etc, etc, ETC!

And now...we present to you...the perfected (drumroll please)...monthly onesies and coordinating bows available at www.appletoddler.com!

Not to worry if your baby isn't less than a month old- we sell individual onesies as well, so you can start your photo record-keeping anytime during the first year.

Yes, they do come in boy and unisex colors- it's just, all of our requests so far have been for girl sets.

And we will have boy accessories coming soon- bow ties!

The bows come in a set of 5 (coordinating with the different months) with a universal white headband that they clip onto.

I am excited about this. I am seriously impressed with Jason. He has put so much work into perfecting every aspect of this and then named me the "owner." Not only that, but he created a website.

Ok. I'm done plugging our business now. Go check out the website Jason made!

Family fun night- Scottish

2009-10-03T18:49:00.002+01:00

In honor of having moved home from Scotland 2 YEARS ago this week, we had a Scottish family fun night. It's crazy the emotions that were coming up as I planned this thing! For a long time our adjustment back to the states was so focused on that- adjustment back to California. Not a whole lot of time to miss Scotland. And frankly, I was so done with the rain, dreariness and the overall feeling of strain there, I didn't miss it for a long time.

Talk about a lot of emotions being wrapped up all in one city- Glasgow, Scotland. We were engaged there, moved there a few weeks after being married, I actually lived "on my own" for the first time there (before we were married), became missionaries there, became parents there, and just plain learned a LOT about life there. We will definitely make a trip back someday. I'm finally at a place where I miss it- I feel kind of sick to my stomach when I think about not being able to just pick up and go back for an afternoon if we want to (expensive!). The neighborhoods, the accent, the friends, the memories, the walking, the familiarity, and even the rain. We love you Scotland!

We had bangers and mash for dinner (sausages and mashed potatoes), which I know are not exactly Scottish, but we had this dish for the first time in Glasgow, so it's Scottish to us!

Random- I saved my last underground ticket from Glasgow and when I got it out for our centerpiece, guess what the date was?
Exactly 2 years ago today!

We played "Pass the Parcel"- a game commonly played at children's birthday parties in Britain- a gift is wrapped several times and passed around. Each person unwraps a layer and whoever opens the last layer wins the gift inside.

In our game, Christian won a book called "The Train to Glasgow!"

We read it and had shortbread cookies for dessert (do you like how Jason wore his American flag shirt for our Scottish night?)

Later on that evening we celebrated clear skies and living in California by laying on the grass in the front yard looking at the stars

We have certainly been blessed to live in some beautiful locations!

Kate is 7 Months

2009-09-30T05:49:00.002+01:00

Thank you Emily for our 7th beautiful onesie, you do such an awesome job!

Katie Katie Kate is now 7 Months old.

She's had lots of firsts and lots of her own little changes this month!

She did start crawling about a month ago- but now she's getting around. Alllll around!

She had her first time in a restaurant highchair and did great

Had her first sink bath and loved it

She weighs 18lbs- not sure what % that puts her in. She looks just perfect

She loves her bananas. And that's really about it, besides oatmeal. We're still trying apples, squash, sweet potatoes and pears. Thank goodness she also loves prune juice. = )

Remember how she used to sleep 12 hour nights? For months on end? That has come to a screeching halt. She's back to waking up at least once a night, which I'm crediting to growth spurts and teeth. And just plain being a normal baby.

Her very favorite toy is this playschool bee- LOVES IT

Speaking of teeth- she's working on her 6th tooth and has really been a great sport

She either has bronchitis or asthma. Supposedly asthma isn't diagnosed prior to turning a year old. We'll know more at her follow-up appointment tomorrow. My guess is that she also has an ear infection with the pain she seems to be in.

I know it's way WAY too early to be analyzing my 7 month old's personality- but the girl can weather a storm with a good attitude. This past weekend not only was she coughing, struggling to breathe through her nose, and getting a tooth. She cut her finger really really badly on her new tooth as she was sucking her fingers- so she wasn't quite sure how to comfort or get herself to sleep. Poor, poor baby!

I'm sure it will sound cliche of me to say that I'm falling more and more in love...but I am. Our home is bursting at the seams with love and excitement over this little life...still. Christian rushes out to see her in the morning. My voice involuntarily goes up about 10 octaves when I see her. Jason stops what he's doing and smiles at her. It's crazy. She is loved, loved loved.

Thank you God for this perfect addition to our family!

Fall as it relates to Rest

2009-09-17T21:09:00.005+01:00

*Thank you BARBIE for ANOTHER beautiful blog header. If you're reading this through google reader, you've gotta see the actual blog. She, again, did an awesome job. Thank you Barbie!**

We've been waiting for it.

Waiting to light our pumpkin spice candles.

Waiting to sit down and cuddle up with a blanket

Waiting to wrap our hands around a warm mug and drink a chai latte

Waiting for it to be time for holiday traditions

Waiting to enjoy the leaves as they turn all different colors

Waiting for a brisk cook breeze- for a reason to wear a sweater and be cozy

But what we've actually been waiting for...is it comfort and rest?

A forced, enjoyable rest?

From the heat.

From the constant sun-up play

From the vacations that are fun but exhausting.

We long for rest. For cozy, comfort, apple-pie rest.

And it is coming soon

Family fun night- Fall preview

2009-09-14T20:03:00.002+01:00

There was a specific couple that inspired this idea! Tim and Brenda sent some leaves in the mail with the idea- how sweet! It just so happened that the morning of our family fun night, I used a blanket during my quiet time, changed into a long-sleeved shirt, and put Kate in her babylegs. It was (dare I say) a little chilly! I also came across this later in the day:

It was a relaxed and cozy evening. We had butternut squash soup with our dinner and Kate had squash for the first time (I was not a fan of the soup and Kate was not a fan of the squash. Awwww, well)

We listened to Nat King Cole - perfect cozy fall music

We hung up our fall decorations

We added pumpkin spice to our chocolate milk

We watched, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Chalie Brown"

Oh! And I previewed some of Kate's warm and cozy outfits she'll be able to wear very soon!