Lately

What's going on with me?

It's tempting to start this blog back up with our trip to Yosemite, a huge catch-up on Christian, Kate, the pregnancy...our first year in public school, how our life group is going...or something just really creative and confusing, some analogy.

But I'm sitting in Starbucks with a few hours to myself, listening to Pandora, uploading pictures, editing pictures, and feeling free from any of those areas of my life I can easily hide behind at times.  Thank you Jason for giving me this time by the way, and I'm thankful I was able to figure out what would actually be refreshing.  So often I don't know even know what would be most most refreshing to spend a few hours doing.

So if I'm not hiding behind husband, church, kids, life circumstances...

I'd say, I'm...kind of all over the map.

Trying to be ok with my house being deeply dirty during this first trimester (thank you Mom for the house-cleanings gift for Mother's day, going to use those soon!).

Trying to learn not to defend myself and the decisions our family makes- especially regarding public school, me staying home, etc.

Trying not to obsess about weight gain.  I had such a good food plan going before pregnancy, but all the veggies and proteins are not jiving well at all with the ongoing nausea.  Trying to give myself some grace there.

Trying to let Jason do for me.  He, among many other traits, is very good at seeing my needs and sacrificing to meet them.  He has stepped way up during this trimester doing a lot of what I used to be able to do.  Trying to not feel guilty about that.

Feeling increasingly aware and thankful that we are surrounded by healthy friends.  Not the fake healthy- we see and know their individual marriage and parenting issues well.  But friends who strive to be godly and who don't hide from us.  Thankful, thankful, thankful.

Realizing that I've spent the past few months trying to be guarded but unguarded.  Going into ultrasound #1 was the perfect example- preparing for the worst but hoping for the best.  Knowing well that God doesn't owe us another child, but being very aware that my heart wants one so bad.  Kind of a shaky smile as I can see that the others around us are a little scared too.

Christian, Kate, life group, LIFE updates soon!

Preschool Prep

Our 4 1/2 year old little man is in preschool 5 mornings a week now.  It is going great.

I am quite an idealist, and rarely do my ideals work out to fruition the way I think they should, but this one did.  I wanted to keep Christian home until the year before kindergarten, and was able to.  In looking at the prices of preschools a few years ago, we were discouraged.  How on earth were we going to do this?

We ended up qualifying for Clovis Unified's free preschool, which is a huge blessing.

I'm not disappointed that his first preschool experience isn't a Christian one.  I feel God has had His hand in all of this and knew exactly where He wanted Christian to start his schooling.  I have had great peace about sending Christian to this preschool and it's all been confirmed now that it's started.  I love love love that we live close enough (.9 miles to be exact!) that it's become our norm to walk to school every morning.  This walking time has become treasured time with Christian (and Kate, she rides in the stroller).  We started a collection in a jar of all the special things he finds on our walks; we pray for his teachers and he chooses one classmate to pray for.  He asks every night before bed if we get to walk to school in the morning!



At the "meet & greet" a few days before school started, all the kids and their parents came on a Thursday morning to see the classroom and meet the teachers.

Oh, backing up.  I had done some research on Christian's main teacher and learned she lives close to us, in our same layout actually.  It just so happens that I pass directly by her house every morning while I'm on the street that I pray for Christian on (more on that later).  Just so many God pieces fitting together.

I had no idea how emotional I'd be about this "meet and greet" and it all kind of hit when one of the teachers (there are 3) asked Christian to come take a picture for his cubby. He sat up on the table as asked and just looked so vulnerable and willing to follow instructions!  There was one point where I thought, if anyone asks me how I'm doing right now, there is no doubt in my mind I'm going to burst into tears.  Not sure I've ever felt equal parts excited for him and sad at the same time, but that pretty much sums it up

 

 He was immediately drawn to the blocks and instruments
 

 And then we went home and waited for Monday. And I tried not to think about it being his last few mornings at home with me. He kept asking when Monday would come! We did some school shopping and Grandma treated him to some new school clothes.

 



Yeah, I am getting way too wordy here but there's just nothing I want to cut out about this monumental time.  I'll have to share about the actual first day in another post.

July-August Recap

July 


We were in a wedding!  Like, almost our whole family.  It was such an honor supporting the Walters.  I remember when they first started dating and Kassy just knew he was the one.  Kate made us so proud as a flower girl with her friends Victoria and Sophie.







 The day after the wedding, Jason and I celebrated 7 years of marriage- we went on a low key date to AppleBees. The highlight of our anniversary this year was looking at each other across the alter as Eric and Kassy said their vows. Thankful and in love don't even begin to describe my feelings about Jason.

 

 Got some bummer news that I have precancerous cells growing on my cervix. It was complicated by a mistake made by the office and calling me back for an emergency appointment due to my blood work. Jason took time off work, went with me to the appointment and I was braced for the worst.  I had asked over the phone if it was cancer related and she wouldn't tell me- I thought for sure my tumor marker was way up or something.    False alarm.  Office mistake we learned, once we got there and my doctor was then concerned about how high my blood pressure was due to nerves!
Aaaaaand we're switching doctors lol. Still have the precancerous stuff to follow up on frequently, but have a much more organized office I'm dealing with now.

 We started a community garden with our life group in hopes of sharing what grows with those in need


 

 Swim lessons! We ended 4 weeks of swim lessons in July and I've been very happy with Christian's improvement. On the last day he willingly jumped off a huge diving board into the deep end.  We loved Ms. Jordan



I started walking in the mornings- just 3 mornings a week. It has become a rich prayer time for our family!

 At the end of July, Jason's temporary construction job came to a halt - just no more work for them,  which put us in a really scary place. We started praying like crazy, again, for a job that would meet our need.

I can't even remember when it was now- but we enjoyed a day on the lake with the Silvas.  This is a  couple who just gives and gives and gives.   Tons of laughs every time we're together, but also a couple we can go deep with.  Jason and Frank meet up weekly and Jessi and I as well, to talk Bible and life.  We are so blessed by them and their friendship.  And not to mention our kid's friendships!






August 


Jason got an excellent job, writing grants.  What a huge, huge praise this is.  It was all clearly orchestrated by the Lord.  This is a job that we can see him making a career out of.  The only way to express how excited we are about this would be to see the grins on our faces!

In turn, we are now back on the Dave Ramsey plan!

I joined a bunco group with my friend Kelly- what a sweet group of women.  I'm really going to look forward to this each month!

We took a trip to Bakersfield for Dad's birthday 

We took a trip to Bakersfield for Caris' birthday

Loved this- it was pretty awesome seeing Alif's family outside of the ICU waiting room for the first time in a while.


 



 Had my first "hey our sons are friends, so let's do a play date," play date. We met up at the zoo with Joseph (who's in Christian's class at church) and his Mom and had a good time. These 2 are hilarious together.

 




I got to be a part of pulling off a surprise "sprinkle" for Jessi- it was a success! And it was beautiful, in Shaver Lake at her in law's gorgeous log cabin

 

Surprise was a success!

 

 Made these for the first time and will definitely be doing them again!

 

And then, Christian started preschool!  But that does require it's own special post. Until then, check out this sunset I saw last week from our house!

 

May- June Recap

May

May was kind of like April. A bumpy road with some victories and set backs for Alif. One day, as the 4 kids were playing in the backyard I got a call from Alif's best friend Brian.
Brian: "Have you heard from Emily yet?"
Heart in my stomach: "Um. No."
Brian: "They just took Alif off sedation, asked his name and he said ALIF PAYNE!!!!!"
Me, heart through my chest: tears and wet my pants at the same time. I'm not kidding. Major, major victories this month.

Preschool registration! This was a big deal because since we're doing the preschool through our school district there are limited spots and it all depended on me getting an appointment to register, and then having every last bit of paperwork at the appointment to secure his spot.



Yosemite! Jason's parents treated us all to a week in Yosemite- lots of memories were made and I loved carrying on the traditions started when Jason was little

The cabin we stayed in





June 



 Kate is potty trained! This was a complete miracle from the Lord, and now I can see that potty training really does not have much to do with the parents, at all. She trained within a few days, and then within the next few days was doing naps and bedtime in panties too. I take NO credit for this.


Threw a bridal shower for my dear friend Kassy



Our dear friends Bill and Michelle (and couple in our life group) had their 2nd baby- a baby girl they named Rylee, on June 13!





We celebrated Christian's "4 1/2" birthday at Wild Water Adventures- this was a blast (except I'd had the stomach flu the night before, so totally wasn't myself at the party)





The day of Christian's party was also the day all of the Payne siblings were reunited. And they all returned home together, ready to greet their Daddy at HOME the next day!!

One last cousin picture before they go



And...Alif on his way HOME (from USC)!



Christian did his first Vacation Bible school with his sweet friend Victoria. These 2 are adorable together, to say the least. After watching Victoria volunteer to pray at the end of VBS (one child was chosen per day), he raised his hand and asked every day if he could pray. The very last day he got to pray into the microphone. Big moment for him!

February-April recap

Since I don't see myself going back an entire 7 months and doing nice posts on all the significant things that have happened, I think I'll just give a quick recap so I can hurry up and enter in to the present!

February-
Our precious baby girl also turned TWO! Oh baby baby baby, we love you!



We host and facilitate a life group for young couples with young kids weekly, and we'd launched a new group just the month prior. Thankful for each of them- what a good fit we all make!



Made a trip to OC for Riley's 4th Birthday and had a blast at her Princess and Pirate party



March

Took our first step toward adoption and attended the "If you were Mine" adoption workshop. Although it was still very close to the miscarriage (4 weeks after), I am so glad I went (Jason had to stay home, our family was plagued with the flu that weekend). The knowledge I gained there would help make big decisions in the months to come.



Had lunch with Jason's ex who, oddly enough, lives in Fresno and attends our same church. No pictures of that. ; )

April

Went to hear Beth Moore with Mom. I love Beth Moore. She has had a special place in my heart ever since I did one of her studies in Scotland with the women on our missions team. She is just so very "American," so every week as we sat in Britany's living room, not only did we laugh, cry and remember why we were doing what we were doing, we also had a huge taste of home.



A week after Beth Moore I started attending Compulsive Eaters Anonymous. Extreme? Yes. But very, very needed if you know the extend to which I have rollercoastered all over tarnation with my eating and food. I was just so dang done with food ruling my life. I have lost 45 lbs since that 5th day in April. "Admitting" myself to a group like this has been life-changing!

Alif, my sister's husband, got sick. You can read the first parts of his story here. This would turn all of our lives completely upside down. When I wasn't in the ICU waiting room, I was either in Alif's room with him, sorting out childcare for the Payne kids or my own, catching up on Apple Toddler, making the drive to and from Bakersfield from Fresno, or caring for Caris and Canaan in our home. April and May 2011 for me were so significant I can't even begin to sum them up.

This was on our way out of the Memorial Hospital parking lot. The kids had just seen Alif and Emily one last time before we headed up to Fresno (I think? Now it's getting fuzzy)



Waiting room during Alif's first open-heart surgery. This is the one that even the doctors were skeptical over. Every time the waiting door opened we all strained to see who it was and let out a sigh when it was "no one." We all laughed and tried to pretend this wasn't' the most tense 4 hours ever. And we cried. We laid on the air mattress (which we would later belly laugh over) and cried. Helpless and waiting. I didn't even manage to get everyone who was in the waiting room in that picture. Oh, the sick feeling I get even looking at that waiting room.

Alif was there

Thankfulness, as my Dad blew out his candles and Alif was at his side, laughing and joking as always. Just 3 1/2 months after Easter.



Could not even believe he was there.



The last time I'd been in Dad's backyard was Easter.

Easter 2011 will go down as one of the most significant days for me.

Arrived at the hospital around 8 or so I think- maybe 9:00? Jason went with Emily and the kids to church that day. It would be her first time back and we knew she'd be mobbed. Jason was sent with the job of giving a very stern, "Alif is making noted progress, thank you for asking," and Emily was all geared up to not break down emotionally, if that was even possible.

Anyway. Jason went with Emily to church, and the agreement that we made was that I'd be by Alif's side every minute she was there.

I came in with my Bible and planned to read the Easter story to (unconscious) Alif. Thought we'd play a few Easterish worship songs. I felt honored to be the one with him that morning. I think there was "Happy Easter!" written on Alif's white board. And maybe a chocolate bunny sitting next to some medical supplies. I can't even believe I don't remember the nurse's name that morning. It was one with a neuro background. At one point we all knew them by their first names- the one with the ponytail, the one that's really sweet, etc. Can't believe I don't remember her name!

I talked to Alif for a few minutes, and then the (terrible bedside manner) neurologist came in said, "take him off sedation. I want to see what we're dealing with."

"Um." I thought. "Wait, no. This is not what I'd planned. Emily needs to be here. And frankly I don't know if I should or can be here during this."

It was his first time off sedation. First time since we'd heard about his brain scan.

And so he came off sedation. His left hand moved. And then his head tossed. And I don't think my own heart has ever raced so fast. Waiting, as the dr said, to see "what we were dealing with."

Quite a morning- his Mom, sister, Dad...all trickled in and saw the first real signs of life in their son, brother after they'd been to their Easter service. He was put back on sedation- but we were all allowed to see a glimmer of an Easter miracle that morning.

And then it was time to go be with my kids, their kids for our Easter egg hunt.
.
And so on to my Dad's backyard I went, to face all those kids. All the kids whose Daddy that was in the hospital. The one we were begging a miracle over. And this Easter neither of their parents were there in my Dad's backyard, which made everything seem that much more real.

There was joy, laughter, Easter egg hunting. But a big fat knot in my stomach over just how "not right" this Easter was.

And, so to enter back into my Dad's backyard this day in early August, 3 1/2 months later in a completely different tone this time...to see Alif hug my kids, high five, walk right back into the normal "guy" spot in the backyard, is nothing short of one big fat miracle.



Such peace, thankfulness and complete gratitude seeing that Payne family together in Dad's backyard.

What I did and didn't get

It has been 8 weeks since we lost baby #3, and I feel like I need to apologize for only blogging about this- but in the same breath, it is so healing to write about it.

8 weeks really isn't so long ago, although it feels like it was already months ago that it happened.

It's pretty amazing, how real it is- when you're pregnant. When I see a positive pregnancy test I already picture myself holding a baby in my arms.
And this baby was no different. So although I was only 10 weeks when we lost the baby, I actually lost a baby I'd dreamt about, prayed about (the kids too prayed for the baby on a regular basis), and pictured as a part of our family.

What I didn't get was another one of these



And I post a picture of Christian because we both just knew it was a boy.

And he has a name. Samuel. It's not a name we'd planned on using for baby #3, but a name I'd been thinking of since the miscarriage happened. When I brought it up to Jason, he reminded me of the story of Hannah in the Bible. How God had gifted her a son, and then at a very young age, she gave him right back to the Lord, willingly. I want that. To willingly give our Samuel back to the Lord.

It is painful. It is excruciating actually. But God is sovereign.

What I did get, is peace.

What I didn't get is another biological child to raise.
What I did get is an (renewed) overwhelming desire to foster/adopt a child. A real burden to provide love and a family for a child who otherwise would be lost in the foster system.

What I didn't get is to hold my baby
What I did get, is embraced by the Lord with kindness and compassion

What I didn't get is to smell that baby head, and stare in awe at how tiny those newborn fingernails really are.
What I did get is a renewed passion to pray for my own children, to go in when they're sleeping- stroke their little heads, hear them breathe in and out, and realize each breath truly does come from the Lord.



What I didn't get is to hear those tiny newborn cries- the kind that are so distinctly newborn
What I did get to hear is my kids laughing together, and "I love you Mommy"



What I didn't get to experience is staring at that baby with Jason- just marveling at the fact that that baby is 1/2 he and 1/2 I.
What I did get is a supportive, loving husband and Daddy to grieve right beside me

What our kids didn't get is a little brother. A little baby to ohhh and awe over. Oh how it saddens me to miss out on Kate "mothering" a tiny baby brother.
What I did get is to display for them what Mommy does during tragedy. Cries. Prays with them (I wish you could see Christian during his last prayer when he recently asked again why there was no baby. With his eyes clenched shut he asked for another baby, and that God would make my belly button better). Tells them the truth.

What I didn't get is to have that Mommy pride-to bring that tiny tiny baby to church for the first time- showing him off to everyone, just what a miracle he is.
What I did get is confidence in the Lord and His plan, and peace as I faced those who thought I was still pregnant, and asked how I was feeling.

What I didn't get is- obviously, a baby. Our son.
What I did get is true surrender, awe in the Lord, and complete thankfulness that I could turn my eyes to Him instead of the tragedy of it all.

The few weeks after

Yeah, it was hard- mainly the first week after. Hugely because of the insane hormonal roller coaster, but also getting used to the idea that suddenly, I wasn't pregnant.

Two weeks later, I had my follow-up appointment. I didn't really expect this to be a big deal. "Let's just close this chapter," I thought. I went alone, which was fine.

I was surprisingly upbeat about the whole thing, and started to feel a weight I didn't expect when I walked into a room full of pregnant girls. It was a weird feeling. I wasn't jealous of them, just kind of felt different than everyone in the room. I was buried in my phone, waiting for my name to be called.

My name was called and I went back into the exam room, got a gown on and waited in silence for the dr to come in. I didn't have my phone to distract me at this point.

And then it started.

The heartbeat, next door. I could hear it through the wall. I could hear the excitement in the mother's voice, and myself remember that sweet excitement of hearing my baby's heartbeat.

It seemed to go on and on and at one point I snapped inside my head, "ok, you heard it already!"

But I prayed in that moment of vulnerability and again realized my continual need for Him. To hear someone else experience exactly what I'd come into the office just 3 weeks prior to experience, and didn't get to. The moment passed, and I felt ok. Relieved. "Ok (deep breath), that was...hard." But it's over.

The dr came in, did the exam, and went over the results with me. She looked at me as if to say, "what all do you want to know?"

"What all did they remove during the d&c?" I asked, hoping to have an answer on whether or not that's how the baby had to "go."

"The tests are showing that they only removed chorionic villi."

"Which is...?" I asked, totally confused.

"Let's see...how to explain this...you must have passed the baby before the d & c." she said

Now, I had no idea we'd go over these results today. I kind of just thought she'd "check" me and I'd be on my way. I had no idea I'd get to hear this. But I left that place ON TOP OF THE WORLD.

The thought had haunted me quite a bit of the d&c suction- yeah. Can't even think about that.

So to know "that" didn't have to happen- and that God granted me the ability to know that...I just left so, so happy.

I also got to genuinely thank the dr. for how she handled this whole thing. I told her I was very thankful it was her in our path for this whole thing- and was so glad I didn't break down into tears while doing so.

For some reason I'm not able to show the doctor's pictures in here, but if you want to see them, this is the one who first told us there was no heartbeat and is my actual doctor, and this is the nurse practitioner who was also very gracious and did the follow-up ultrasound.

And then...

He protected me.

No, this is definitely not going to be a post that wraps things up all pretty, as if this whole thing was just one big positive experience.

But I would like to point out, and never forget, the ways that I literally felt His arms wrap around and protect me the next few weeks.

The day we didn't see a heartbeat, I knew there were friends crying with me. And honestly, that's what I needed. I just needed to know others were upset too.

I came home from the dr- spent the rest of the late morning with the kids- crying. At one point Christian said, "Mommy, you have a little bit of water on your eyes." I was a mess. I spent their nap time realizing what had happened- crying some more, and listening to Glory Baby. It was such a weird place to be. Knowing there was a baby in there, but not a living one. But still my baby. A baby I felt attached to. I wasn't ready for it to not be in there. I mean, just a few hours prior I learned that it wasn't living. Such a strange, strange place to be.

A friend I'd been texting with that day really blessed me with her approach that day- "I need to see you. Even if it's just for a quick hug." I agreed- and we met up at our church's play structure. We both had on our big bug sunglasses (I think she had hers on?)- which was great, because I cried a lot while we watched our kids play that day. I was fine, until I saw her. And I remembered what we'd talked about just the week prior. She encouraged me, "It's not that you're having faith that there will be a heartbeat. It's that you're having faith that He is sovereign." Think God put her in my life during this season for a reason? She'd brought a plethora of little gifts to the park that day, and dinner later on, even though I insisted she not. I look back on that day and wonder why I had a hard time accepting dinner that night. I found out my baby was dead that day, for goodness sakes! Thank you Lord for a friend that will push through that ridiculousness!

My Mom and sister. Oh boy. They were like the hands and feet of Jesus. Cleaning up blood and tissue, they must have been exhausted the next morning but they loved on me and our kids. Their first thought was to order Kate a new "baby" because they knew that was my #1 concern. Because they know me well. There is just nothing like people who know you well. They "got" that I was out of it, in shock, yes- maybe that I was smiling too much and pretending nothing ever happened- they got all that. And they were just with me. My Mom stayed for 3 nights and did countless loads of laundry, loved on our kids- even napped with Kate one day so she'd fall asleep. And was just sensitive to what I needed.

Jason, well- was going through a loss of his own. But he cared for me anyway. I learned later that, as he followed the ambulance he was worried that he was gonna lose me. That those ambulance lights were gonna turn on at any moment and start going faster to the hospital. He kept our family going at a normal pace- took our kids to the snow for the day with friends one of the days right after the surgery. He was the strong one in the hospital. He made several runs out the hallway to get a nurse- he has been a sounding board for me and has taken me seriously in my grief, as he has grief of his own.

We'd just started a life group a few weeks prior, and I was in a place of need right away with this miscarriage happening. People I'd met once or twice gathered around us and brought meals. New friends that didn't know us and went way out of their way anyway.

My Dad. This was so real to him, since he was in the middle of a huge tragedy, losing a Grandson that same week who was born at 24 weeks. Crying with him on the phone.

My in-laws who I know would have jumped in their cars at a moment's notice-and not just any flowers delivered from them, but my favorite flowers.

A friend who's been giving and giving and giving- put together the perfect gift. And went out of her way to deliver it. She's obviously been through this, she knew exactly what would cheer me up.

Brownies from our sweet sweet friends, delivered on our front porch. Brownies with coffee in them!

Friends who said something, even though it was awkward in a crowd at church. Thank you for saying something.

Emails and phone calls from friends who'd been through this before, numerous times.

A gift from the most unexpected of friends. God's grace poured out!

There is more. But this is getting long.

What happened?

**Major warning. This is going to be a gruesome play by play to help me process and for anyone who really wants to know what happened. Please don't read if you're squeamish!**



We first learned that there was no heartbeat at our ultrasound on Thursday, Feb. 10. At this point I was 8weeks, 5 days along, and baby was measuring 8 weeks, 4 days.

The weekend of February 11-13 we hosted the Mills clan, threw a party Saturday and celebrated Kate's birthday. It was such a sweet party! We also gathered around at church on Sunday and prayed for a miracle. That God would breathe life into baby Mills #3. And that the next ultrasound we had, there would be a heartbeat.

I got the stomach flu, combined with aches and fever on Tuesday the 15th and the dr wanted to see me the next morning. Worst case scenario was that I had an infection that was connected with the miscarriage.

Went in to the dr on Wednesday the 16th and felt fine that day. No fever or vomiting. Just really mixed emotions. Hoping to see a heartbeat (an understatement) but knowing the reality. And actually not even knowing if they'd do an ultrasound since I was being seen for the vomiting, aches and fever. They had me wait in an exam room and I said to Jason "I think this must be the miscarriage room. There is no baby paraphernalia in here at all. And it's in the very back corner of the office."

We saw the nurse practitioner, went over our options with the miscarriage before she even took a look- which was good. She was so gracious. Let us see the screen- told us there was no heartbeat, and baby was measuring 8 weeks, 2 days. I would have been 9 weeks, 4 days at that point. We scheduled the d&c for Friday morning- signed the wavers, and left. But not before having her print out a picture of the baby. I regretted not taking one the last time.

I didn't cry. I called my Mom and very matter-of-factly told her that I scheduled the d&c. Got off the phone, drove home and prayed. On the drive home I started having major regrets about planning that d&c so soon. We hadn't even prayed or talked over it at all. And Jason had expressed concern in the exam room about not wanting to do the d&c. I got home, called the office and cancelled it. I wanted to miscarry at home- or at least let my body start the process on it's own.

Wednesday night the Silvas hosted life group. Thank you Silvas! I didn't want to pass on whatever stomach bug I'd had the day before.
Wednesday afternoon I either held having to go to the bathroom or took one of the kids with me every time I went. I was so scared about how I'd handle the first blood, cramping- no idea how big the baby would be when it came out. What if it just "fell" out, etc? The first blood came at about 4pm and I had Kate in the bathroom with me. Didn't feel as distressing as I'd thought. Slept through the night just fine, very light blood into Thursday morning. Thursday during the kids' naps I started having some cramping. "Ok, good." I thought. "Let's just get this over with." I didn't want to take any pain meds because I wanted to be able to gauge how much pain there actually was.
4:00- "ok. These are actually contractions. Like, sharp ones. Ow."
5:30- put Kate to bed. What a relief. Handling her through the contractions was really hard.
6:00- got Christian set up on our bed with a game on my phone and me set up with some Bible reading. Was breathing through the contractions and really looking forward to when Jason would get home. Took 600mg motrin.
7:00- got a card, a printed out blog on how to deal with miscarriage and a gift card for dinner from a friend in the mail. Jason handed it to me on his way in from work and I cried. Like really had a good cry. I hadn't cried in 4-5 days and needed a good cry. I couldn't believe the thoughtfulness of this good friend."
7:10- Jason knew I wanted to be alone. He turned on some worship music and took Christian in the living room.
7:30- passed what I thought was the baby. It didn't hurt, and I was relieved. Dug it out of the toilet with a slotted spoon and saved it in a styrofoam cup. The dr wanted us to save what we could and frankly I was kind of curious. Jason got an ice chest and we kept it in there.
8:00- passed a ton more tissue. Jason put Christian to bed. I came out and told him the contractions were getting...bad. And there was a lot of blood.
8:30- a lot more blood. Every time I'd get up or move there was another huge gush. I put towels on our bed for fear of messing anything up.
9:00- passed more tissue and more blood. Decided to just sit on the toilet there was so much. There was no way a pad would hold this much. Sat on the toilet for a long time, gushes coming and going. Started feeling light-headed and concerned. Called Jason and started getting frantic. Got in the shower so I could wash off and see how much blood was actually coming.
9:30- In the shower- blood gushing, like, not slowly. A lot. Too much. Feeling light-headed and not sure I trusted my judgement or that I would be able to do this at home. Had a flashback to what the mid-wife told me about how much blood I lost during my labor with Christian: "If you would have done this at home, you would have bled out."
"Jason, I think we need to call 911. I am losing so much blood. Call the Silvas. Call 911. Call someone."
I started ordering him around to get me panties, etc-at that point I couldn't get out of the shower because I knew I'd bleed all over our light gray carpet in our bathroom, but I just simply wasn't going to have the paramedics find me naked in the shower. Noooooo no way.
I got dressed, and went outside to wait. My main concern was blood all over everything in the house. I'd just gotten out of the shower, put a pad on, and by the time I made my way to the front door had already bled through all that again. I sat on the bumper of our van in the garage and within a minute or 2 I could hear the sirens from the ambulance and got nervous.
"should we really have called? Am I blowing this out of proportion?" I also texted my Mom at this point.
At the same time Frank showed up to watch our kids, who's a firefighter. I knew he'd be able to discern any huge red flags on how I was looking, etc. He agreed I should go with the paramedics and I did.
No sirens- it was a slow trip. They knew I wasn't in distress, but also that I was losing a great deal of blood. So it was good to be safe incase anything went bad on the way to the hospital. Jason followed us in the van.
Right away he put on iv in- when I saw him doing so I complained- it's one of my least favorite things about having a baby. But he did amazing. Barely even felt it and thank goodness it was in my elbow instead of my hand. So much less painful.
It all started to feel real when I heard him calling the hospital to let them know of my arrival- telling them around the 9 week miscarriage- extreme blood loss, "tachycardia."

My main thought on the way to the hospital- "I had nooooo idea a miscarriage would be this big of a deal."

Showed up at the hospital and realized as they wheeled my down the hallway that I had blood all over my feet and had a little plastic baggy with what I thought was our baby in my lap.

The paramedics were annoyed with the hospital staff. They didn't have a place for me in the ER (it was a rainy, late night) and complained about everywhere I was wheeled. "um, can you move her? She's right in front of the door, etc." Nurses were having to scootch me over every time they needed to get by. Paramedics found some towels and water and spent some time cleaning my feet off. Jason wasn't there yet.

They got me into a shared room and I met the nurse who'd be taking care of me. Did not like her. Her pina colada lotion was way too strong, and my list of annoyances at her that night range from comments like, "Do you have a pad on? You know that soaks up some of the blood." "Miscarriage is very common. I've had one." "You call ambulance? Woooow." On to the disgusted, sour look on her face as she helped collect tissue during my pelvic exam. Was so glad to be out of her care. Soooo glad. Oh, also whatever painful procedure is done to extract urine without me actually peeing- no warning that that would hurt or be uncomfortable.

At this point Jason was there, I'd texted a few times with my Mom and Emily and knew they were on their way. They'd dropped everything and come to be with the kids. Later I'd learn that they, upon arrival at 1am cleaned out the blood and tissue in our bathroom and shower. And all the blood I'd dripped all over our light gray bedroom carpet. Meanwhile, Frank was graciously offering to stay with the kids overnight and was there until 1am. I texted with Jessi too, and Jason talked to his Mom and prayed with his Dad over the phone.

I was in that shared room for about 2 hours waiting for the OB who was caring for other miscarriage patients. I used the bathroom a few more times- passed about 10 times as much tissue as I did at home. At one point about as much as a grapefruit. I could not believe how much was in there. I destroyed the entire bathroom and pathway to the bathroom with blood, and wanted to save whatever tissue I did pass, so some poor nurse had that job to do (fishing out again what I thought was baby in the toilet).

A nurse came and took 5 small vials of blood, and after more blood and more tissue passed, I all of a sudden felt like I was going to pass out. Like, clammy, couldn't hear- everything started looking marbly and weird. I got frantic and demanded attention. Jason ran out into the hallway to find someone. They immediately gave me a bag of fluids and I felt better. Blood pressure was low. OB came in and went through all the tissue I'd passed and confirmed we still didn't have baby or placenta and wanted to do a full pelvic to see where my cervix was at.

1am- They moved me into a private room and about an hour later- I had that same "I'm gonna pass out" feeling, panicked- got angry and ticked at our nurse, as if it was her fault. A different nurse brought more fluids and I felt immediately better. I complained about pain and she'd given me something I apparantly didn't react well to.

1:15am- OB did full pelvic. Very uncomfortable. I was still contracting and he used that duck thing to open everything up, and the forcepts to pull as much tissue out as he could. I was squeezing Jason's hand and again- could not even believe how much worse this night was getting. The dr was silent and kept asking for more gauze. "I can't even see your cervix. I'm sorry. I know this is uncomfortable. I need to just see...let me reposition (OWWWW)- yeah. Can't even see your cervix. There is so much blood pooling. Losing this much blood is not normal. I think you're going to need a d&c." He later explained the placenta was what was causing so much bleeding- and they really did need to get that out so all the bleeding would stop. He called my dr and returned, confirming that she agreed and they'd get me into surgery right away."

1:45am- I kind of lost it, honestly. I was sooooo mad. I told Jason. "We're not even getting a BABY out of this!!!!" I just couldn't believe it. This was even more traumatic than my labor with Christian. So painful. So scary. And ending in tragedy. I mean, ahhhhhhh!!!!" And I was in pain. Contracting. And looked down at literally another pool of blood in my lap after that exam. Like, a puddle.

2am- waiting for surgery. Really started praying. I was feeling a ton of anxiety about going under, having the surgery, all the blood loss, just the whole night. Soon after, a really nice woman with a white coat on that said "hospital supervisor" came in and assured me they would get me in asap. They were getting together their on-call night surgery crew, apparantly.

2:30am- "Raquel!" I heard someone call (my nurse). "We're ready for her!" 2 short young guys came and got me and wheeled me up to the next floor. One of them was super nervous- his first day on the job. Looked at the blood on my feet (more, from after the paramedics wiped it off prior) and looked away. He was uncomfortable.

3am- met a very nice anasthesiologist- explained what they would do. Met the dr. Met the nurse. They were all great. The dr was so tired though and could tell he didn't want to be there. The nurse was sooooo sweet. Probably 25? 30? She was on top of things and very accomodating.

4am- woke up in a very happy place. Very relieved.

5:18am- texted Mom and Emily to let them know we were on our way. Went home in the hospital gown- the amazing, amazing recovery nurse (boy, did I LOVE her) gave me the hospital blanket too insisting it was just too cold to go home without it. "You can return it if you're ever in the hood again." she insisted.

5:30- crawled into bed with Christian. He woke up and asked about my hospital bracelet. "I'll tell you about it in the morning buddy. Night night, love you."

5:35am- Mom and Emily are awake and out of our bedroom, insisting we get in our own bed and that they'll watch the kids when they get up. Cannot even believe them. They'd slept what, a max of 4 hours??

5:35-9:30am. Jason and I had sweet sleep. Woke up to Mom and Emily- Emily had taken the kids on a walk- Jason took the kids to the store (sweet sweet Jason) and I got to process through the whole thing with them. So tired. So groggy. So fresh.